People who aren’t attached have a stronger pull on others. The more attached someone is, the more they push people away.

If you try really hard for something but it doesn’t work out, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. But what’s really meant for you will come to you naturally. To feel happier and attract love, it’s important to let go of expecting certain things to happen or relying too much on others. 

That’s the key to feeling more positive and bringing more love and joy into your life

Imagine the typical cool guy in high school, chilling by the lockers with a toothpick in his mouth, wearing a leather jacket, and acting like he doesn’t really care. 

It’s no wonder he gets noticed by lots of girls because he just seems so laid-back.

Consider someone who’s comfortable in their own world. They’re charming because they don’t need anything from others. They’re not tied down to anything. The less tied you are, the more attractive you seem. 

But if you’re too tied up, you lose appeal because it causes problems.

If you’re counting on someone else to make you feel complete, you’re asking them to handle a lot. 

It’s like expecting them to take care of everything you need. 

This often comes from when your parents couldn’t give you everything you needed as a kid. Now, you might think someone else can make up for that. But expecting too much from them can push them away because it’s too much for them to handle.

Understanding Attachment Styles and Emotional Intimacy in Relationships

Me and my friend were talking about relationships. She told me about this idea of the “golden retriever or the cat” analogy. It’s like in every relationship, there’s one person who’s like a golden retriever, really excited, and the other one is more like a cat, staying to themselves.

I think this shows how relationships can be affected by past experiences and attachment styles. 

The cat wants independence but avoids getting too close. The golden retriever craves love and may act needy, which can actually push the other person away.

Both of them avoid getting too close and being really close. 

They’re used to relationships where being close isn’t important. So, with attachment, know that neither way is perfect. The goal is to find a balance between the cat and dog, I guess? It’s about feeling whole by yourself, without needing others to make you happy.

Chasing Approval, Why We Look Outside for Love

Isn’t it odd how we think some things will make us happy? We think they’ll fill a gap in us, so we put our family problems onto others, making it their burden. 

But even if we get what we wanted, we still want more in the end.

Another thing to think about is this: if we didn’t get love, understanding, comfort, or care when we were kids, we might settle for something else, like attention and validation. Even if it’s not real love, we’ll take it. 

We might confuse validation and attention with love.

The issue begins when people look for approval outside themselves. They try to get likes on social media or impress others at work. They’re trying hard to show their worth, chasing approval because they’ve settled for a fake version of love.

Taking Ownership, Understanding the Need for External Validation

Sometimes, people tend to blame others for their problems. For instance, for a long time, I blamed my parents for my unhappy childhood, thinking it was all their fault. I didn’t want to take responsibility for my own life.

But you know what? In relationships, there’s often blame. 

This person isn’t doing this right, that person isn’t doing that right, blame, blame, blame. It’s about putting the blame on others and seeking attention and validation instead of real love, thinking you could find it outside yourself.

Let me share something with you. Last year, I had a wake-up call and began thinking deeply about this. 

Deep down, I thought that if I hit a certain milestone on social media and helped others, I’d feel worthy and good because of all the likes and praise. But you know what? Once you get a bit of it, the ego always wants more. It’s like a cycle that never stops.

Learning from Medium Success, Achieving Goals and Seeking Approval

Back in 2019, I aimed for 100,000 Medium readers, thinking it would make me feel valued and loved, fixing a childhood longing. But as I gained more readers this year, I craved even more. 

Each milestone, from 100,000 to a million, gave me temporary joy, but deep down, I still sought validation. 

Eventually, I learned to be indifferent and not get too caught up in these achievements.

You know what’s funny? The best times I’ve had on Medium were when everything was going great, and I didn’t care too much. It’s like I’m dating Medium, and when I’m not too invested, it’s more fun. 

And guess what? The less you stress in a relationship, the more fun it is, and the more attractive you become. It’s pretty funny how that works.

But here’s the thing, if we think validation and approval are like the not-so-great relatives of love, we’re wrong. It’ll never be enough because we’ll always want more, and it’s empty. 

Instead, we need to realize that seeking validation won’t make us happy. It’s about accepting love from within ourselves and knowing it comes from us.

Chasing Approval vs. Living in the Moment

Think about these two situations. In the first, someone praises you for doing great and being amazing. Imagine how that feels. Now, picture another scenario where you’re just doing something you love, and it feels easy. 

See the contrast in how they make you feel. 

One depends on praise from others, which doesn’t last long, while the other is naturally satisfying and keeps you going on its own.

As I write articles now and let everything flow, it’s a unique feeling. 

I want you to compare two different experiences because they’re very different. Imagine yourself on top of a mountain, having achieved something big, like making $100,000. 

It feels exciting, but it won’t last because you’ll get used to it. 

Now, think about standing at a Bali resort, watching a beautiful sunset with someone you love. These experiences make you feel different, don’t they?

One way of thinking is about expecting things and tying them to how we see ourselves, while the other is just about living in the moment. 

What we’re trying to do is understand the gap between seeking approval to feel good enough and just being here now. 

Many of us have feelings of not being good enough inside, which keeps coming back and making us doubt ourselves. This way of thinking changes how we see ourselves and what happens to us. So, wherever we are, our brain looks for proof that these beliefs are true.

Transforming Attachment to Self-Compassion

Think about scrolling through social media and feeling bad about yourself compared to others. But those comparisons only reflect your own insecurities. 

You can either feel motivated or feel bad about yourself. 

It’s like we carry around this heavy feeling of shame, thinking we’re not good enough. And somehow, we end up in situations and with people who make us feel this way because it’s what we’re used to.

To make a big change in your life, check how much you hold onto your own thoughts, especially those of feeling ashamed or not good enough. 

If you think you’re flawed, you’ll act and think like it’s true. This attachment comes from being scared of what others might say or think, stopping you from showing who you really are because you’re afraid they might leave you or say mean things.

Being brave is about confronting your inner struggles directly. 

Consider the still face experiment, where a baby quickly notices when its mother stops responding emotionally. It happens in just seconds. This experiment teaches us about shame and attachment.

Learning about Early Attachments, Lessons from the Still Face Experiment

Think about it when we’re born, our first relationships are with our parents or caregivers. These early connections influence how we see safety and comfort, even if they’re not always good.

In the still face experiment, a mom interacts with her baby, matching its emotions with happy sounds. The baby feels understood and comforted. 

But then, the mom stops responding, her face blank.

Soon, the baby feels upset, unsure of what’s happening. It starts to babble nervously, but Mom doesn’t respond. The baby gets worried and starts crying out for attention. However, Mom keeps her expression blank, ignoring the baby’s signals.

How Emotional Unavailability Affects Attachment

When Mom doesn’t respond, the baby gets really uncomfortable and starts crying. Feeling too much pain, she tries to turn away, wanting to avoid the distress. It’s not nice at all, the baby would probably give it a “10 out of 10” for discomfort.

When the baby cries and looks away, what do you think she might believe? She might start to think, “Did I make a mistake? Am I broken? Is something wrong with me, or am I not good enough?” Even though she can’t fully understand it, she feels ignored or unimportant. 

This feeling might become normal for her, making her seek approval from others and avoid feeling ashamed or not good enough.

Feeling like we’re not good enough has become normal, which is odd. Anything different might feel scary. It’s like we’re afraid of feeling loved and complete.

Understanding Love and Healing in Family Relationships

In the last part of the still face experiment, once the baby cries, the mother comes back and comforts her with kind words and actions. The baby feels better, knowing she’s understood and cared for. She quickly goes from feeling upset when Mom left to feeling better when Mom returns.

Lots of people get attached because they want their parents’ comforting presence back or try to make them come back by controlling things. 

Some even try to change emotionally distant partners into caring ones. But it’s important to know that love isn’t about controlling others; it’s about letting love grow inside you. 

Healing means understanding there’s nothing bad about you and learning to love yourself.

I tried a thing called family constellation. It’s a way to act out childhood stuff to learn about yourself. It’s from Germany. 

They play roles of your family members. Even though they don’t know me, they acted like my family. At one point, I was in a woman’s arms, feeling a lot. It hurt at first, but I felt better as I went through it.

Understanding Why Attachment and Happiness Can’t Coexist

We often accept emotions like shame, thinking “I’m broken, there’s something wrong with me.” Attachment is a form of self-sabotage that makes us feel not good enough because we believe what we want is outside of ourselves.

Now, let me quickly read from a book by Anthony DeMello called ‘Stop Fixing Yourself.’ 

It talks about four truths about attachment that can change how you see things. I’ll quickly go over these truths to share them with you.

The first truth about attachment is that you must choose between attachment and happiness — you can’t have both. Attachment disrupts your peace and ruins your ability to live a joyful, carefree life. You can have attachment or happiness, but not both.

Understanding Attachment and Its Impact on Happiness

The second truth is about where your attachment started. Think about where it began. You weren’t born with it; something in your past made you think it was important. 

Maybe not getting enough recognition or feeling comfortable as a child made you want validation and approval, so you started caring a lot about what others think. 

Understand that it’s not something you were born with, you learned it over time.

The third truth is about seeing things differently. Lots of people are happy without the things you think you need. Look at the vast universe; it helps you see your attachments aren’t that important. 

Thinking, “If I only had this, then I’d be worth something,” doesn’t matter much.

The fourth truth is simple, nothing outside of you can really make you happy or sad. It’s up to you to decide to be happy. 

Letting go means understanding that things outside of you won’t bring lasting happiness. Even if they did, it wouldn’t last, and soon you’d want more or get attached to something else.

Wrap it up

What you really want is to open your heart and let love flow. Instead of worrying about what happens, just be and let things happen naturally. Connect more with the Divine, and you’ll feel more confident and less clingy because you trust life to unfold. 

It’s funny, when you have this trust, you’re not stuck on any one person or result.

Attachment causes suffering. Choosing to let go happens when you realize it’s just a story. 

When you question your attachments, you might find they’re linked to needing validation and comfort from when you were young. Connecting with the feeling of being seen, comforted, heard, and cared for allows you to feel love now.

Thanks for reading! Please take a moment to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Don’t forget to share if you found it informative ❤

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