Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of TikToks and videos talking about something called pathological demand avoidance. I didn’t know about it before, but now. Let’s delve into it. What is it, exactly?

Pathological demand avoidance, or PDA, is something many people with Autism have, but others can have it too. 

Some say it’s a strong need for independence. It’s when someone reacts strongly to what they think are demands. It’s not just not wanting to do something, it’s feeling like our freedom is threatened.

When we’re afraid, we react by fighting, running away, or freezing. 

This can make it tough to do what we need to do. Now that we know about PDA, let’s talk about five wrong ideas about it.

Stereotype one: thinking we’re just stubborn. 

But with PDA, it’s not about what we’re asked to do. Sometimes, we’re already doing it. 

Like when asked, “Can you do the dishes?” and we say, “Nope, not anymore.” Then they say, “Wait, don’t stop! I didn’t know you were doing them.” 

But it’s too late, and we feel like they ruined it, so we refuse to do them anymore. People might see us as defiant, but it’s not that easy. To others, PDA autism might look like defiance, but it’s more about wanting control over ourselves. 

It’s like wanting to be in charge of our own bodies. 

So when something messes with our control, we either fight or run away. From the outside, it might look like defiance, but it’s more like a natural instinct we can’t control, like a reflex. 

So when I asked you to do the dishes, it upset your body’s balance and made you react defiantly. It’s not really about the chore. Like, I was already doing the dishes; it’s not a problem for me.

My brain feels like you’re taking away my choices, so it goes into overdrive. 

That messes up our nerves and makes us want to fight, run, or freeze. It’s like our feelings take control, and our thinking part switches off. Even if your request isn’t mean, we feel scared. 

That’s why the task feels impossible and really uncomfortable to do.

We feel stressed because when you ask something like, “Can you unload the dishwasher?” it feels like we’re losing our freedom. We feel like we have to do what you say, and it feels really bad. 

It’s like we’re not ourselves anymore, and the only way to feel like ourselves again is to say no and not do what you asked.

Another important thing to think about is that since this happens more in people with autism spectrum disorder or ASD, we need to mention that ASD makes it harder for us to control our nerves. 

It can also make us feel out of control more often.

If you don’t have ASD, you might think, ‘just ignore it, do what they ask,’ but it’s not that simple. When we have ASD, our brains work differently, and studies show that parts like the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and limbic system are most affected. 

So, it’s normal for us to get upset and triggered more easily.

When we have ASD, we can get really stuck in our ways of thinking and doing things. So when someone suddenly asks us to do something different, it can throw us off. That’s why PDA might seem like we’re being stubborn or selfish, but it’s just how our brains are wired.

Stereotype two: that we only find it hard to do things others tell us. 

Honestly, that’s what I thought when I first looked into PDA, but I learned it can even affect simple tasks like going to the bathroom. 

It’s important to know that people with autism spectrum disorder also struggle with sticking to routines and don’t like sudden changes. 

We feel best when we can do things in the way we like.

People without PDA might say, ‘I don’t like doing self-care stuff, but I do it anyway.’ But for someone with PDA, any change in routine is hard. 

It can make us delay tasks like showering, eating, or using the bathroom because it messes up what we’re already doing.

Stereotype three: that PDA is a choice and if we wanted to help more, we could. 

This is important because lots of comments on TikToks about PDA say it’s just excuses or defiance. But it’s not a choice, and it doesn’t feel good for the person dealing with it.

There’s this TikTok creator who talks about her experience with PDA. Here’s what she says: ‘Hey, what’s up? You never texted me back.’ ‘Sorry, I was going to, but then I felt overwhelmed and too anxious, so I just deleted the text.’ ‘Okay, so it’s been 2 days, I really need to shower tonight.’ ‘Tonight, I will shower, I have to — uh, nope, not going to do that anymore.’

Another important point is that we might find it hard to control our nerves. 

While others can handle uncomfortable requests and still do them, those of us with PDA can’t. We can’t control how our body and brain react.

This can make us act without thinking, easily affected by things, and seem very sensitive to others. Also, many of us with PDA aren’t good at hiding how we feel and don’t care about fitting in. 

So, our reactions might be easy to see in what we do or how our faces look. But it’s okay, we can learn to cooperate with our brains instead of fighting them, and I’ll explain more about that soon.

Stereotype four: that people with PDA are just lazy. 

I saw this idea in the comments, and it made me think of a post I read a while ago that said, “If you were being lazy, you’d be having fun.” It struck a chord because I often feel lazy when I actually need a break or when I’m having a rough day emotionally. 

I mean, I’m not a robot, right? But the reality is, with PDA, we like doing things in our own way. 

We’re perfectly fine taking action when we feel motivated internally. The problem is, we don’t always feel like doing the things we need to do each day, especially the dull ones. 

While neurotypical people might do things because everyone else is doing them, for those of us with autism and PDA, that motivation isn’t there. We might not care about fitting in, or it’s just not enough to make us do things we don’t really want to do.

Another important point is that when we have ASD, we often find it challenging to understand non-verbal cues from others.

As I mentioned before, this means that requests for us to do something can feel unexpected, catching us off guard and leaving us feeling unsettled.

Here’s a way to understand it if you don’t have ASD or PDA: 

Imagine you’re working on a big presentation with your colleague, Michael. He’s been stressed lately with tight deadlines and a heavy workload, but you don’t know that. 

During a team meeting, you ask him to help with an extra part of the presentation. He reacts strongly, gets upset, and leaves the room, saying you don’t appreciate his efforts. 

While your request seemed reasonable, you didn’t know about Michael’s stress, which made it feel unreasonable to him.

Stereotype five: that it’s exclusive to Autism Spectrum Disorder. 

In this article, I’ve discussed PDA and its connection to autism because it’s often viewed as a symptom. However, PDA isn’t confined to ASD. 

It can impact anyone dealing with sensory processing challenges. 

Additionally, it’s linked to individuals who struggle with regulating their nervous system.

As I looked into the research, I saw most of it was about kids. 

While ASD gets a lot of attention, what I learned about PDA suggests it could affect people with ADHD too. This is because we often struggle with things like organizing and can easily get overwhelmed by sensory input. 

Also, those with sensory processing issues might show signs of PDA too.

Remember, PDA occurs when we feel like we’re losing control and our freedom is threatened. 

This makes it tough to calm down because our nervous system gets all messed up. That’s why I think we could see PDA in people with anxiety, PTSD, or even borderline personality disorder. It’s not just about autism but PDA can affect lots of different people.

How we can manage it better, whether we have PDA or know someone who does. 

First, try reverse psychology. When PDA makes us feel pressured to do something, tell yourself not to do it. Like, say, “Don’t even think about brushing your teeth,” or “I won’t let you make dinner.” 

It might sound weird, but sometimes flipping the demand around in our heads can help us actually do the task.

If our partner or child has PDA, we can help by challenging them in a fun way. 

Like saying, “I bet you can’t resist helping me with the groceries,” or “I don’t think you’ll make chicken pot pie.” 

These challenges feel more like games than orders, and they can choose if they want to join in. Adding a time limit can make it feel like a fun challenge.

Another tip is to do things before they become urgent. For example, if I clean up the kitchen tonight when there’s no rush, it won’t stress me out when making breakfast tomorrow. Acting early helps prevent tasks from becoming stressful demands.

Another way is to break tasks into smaller steps. This makes them feel less daunting and demanding. Doing little things gradually helps us stay calm and get things done without feeling stressed.

I found another cool trick online role-playing. And no, it’s not the sexy kind. It’s more like pretending to be a character from a favorite video game or book, or making up a new one. 

PDA is tough because it’s not a choice to defy tasks. Even if we planned to do something, being told to do it can make us resist strongly.

We can try becoming someone else or entering a different world. PDA seeks solace in fantasy because real life is often overwhelming. So, pretending to be a character can help us cope.

Instead of just doing it, I pretend to be someone else, living a different life and doing things differently. 

It helps me enjoy tasks without feeling the pressure of being myself in a world that’s overwhelming for neurotypicals. 

If your child has PDA, suggest they dress up and talk about their character’s strengths. If it’s you, have fun dressing up, but really get into the role mentally.

Imagine a character. What do they look like? Where do they live? Maybe with fairies in the woods or in a tall building in Tokyo? They could even be a mythical creature. Let your imagination go wild and pretend to be them. It might help you do things without feeling pressured because it’s not about you anymore.

Another strategy is to give choices that lead to the same result. This lets them decide how to do something, giving them some control and preventing them from feeling overwhelmed. 

We can do this for ourselves too. 

For example, if we need to drink water, we can choose between drinking from our bottle or getting a sparkling water from the fridge. Both choices help us stay hydrated. 

Similarly, we can choose to get out of the car now or wait until the song ends. Our brains and bodies feel better when we get to make these decisions.

Another tip is to break big tasks into smaller steps. For example, instead of saying, “I’m going to make dinner,” we can say, “I’m not making dinner now, but I’ll look up a recipe or chop an onion.” 

These smaller tasks feel less overwhelming and help us take action because we choose to do them, like tricking our brain into doing it.

Wrap it up

Finally, we can just say, “You know what? I’m not doing anything today. Nothing at all. I’m just going to sit here and do nothing.” Funny enough, doing nothing starts to feel like a task, and you’ll often end up doing what you need to anyway.

I know this might sound like reverse psychology, but it’s a bit different and sneakier, so I wanted to explain it fully. I’d love to hear from you. 

Do you struggle with avoiding demands? 

Do you know someone who does? 

What tips or tricks help you manage it better? 

Share your thoughts in the comments below, as this might be more common than we think. 

I hope you found this article interesting and useful.

Thanks for reading! Please take a moment to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Don’t forget to share if you found it informative ❤

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