I want to discuss how does a narcissist spy on an ex. I’ve been wanting to write this article for a while. Let’s explore the ways narcissists watch and control, which likely started when you first met them.

Many of you have met narcissists in different ways, before smartphones were common, this applies to everyone’s experience. From the first time you met a narcissist, they were watching you closely and see how you reacted and pushed your limits with their troubling behavior.

At first, you probably felt what’s called the love bombing phase a time when the narcissist sized you up, targeted you, and quickly entered a relationship with you.

If you’ve been through this, you know how fast it all happened. It was intentional, part of their plan. The narcissist wanted to trap you in their manipulation web quickly, afraid of losing a valuable source of attention like you.

As I often say, we are not just things for them to use. We are bright, positive people, the kind of people narcissists look for before we knew they were watching us.

Understanding Narcissistic Spying and Surveillance in Relationships

Let’s talk about that first stage, the love bomb phase. If you’ve been through it, you know how intense it was. It was full of highs and lows, making everything seem almost too perfect.

Maybe you moved in together, started a family, or made big life changes that’s when the narcissist really got to know you.

But this isn’t about that, iIt’s about how they spied on you. The narcissist watched you closely and how you interacted with others, your energy, your job, hobbies, and family.

They were jealous and wanted to be like you because they lacked empathy, love, honesty, and authenticity, the very qualities that make you who you are.

Throughout the relationship, they spied on you non-stop. Sometimes, it went too far, which I’ll talk about soon.

Think about it, why would anyone spy on someone they’re supposed to care about. Whether it’s a parent, family member, or partner? It doesn’t make sense, does it? No.

It’s like what countries did during the Cold War, spying on each other. That’s what the narcissist did to you. They might still be doing it now, using smartphones, social media, or friends (flying monkeys) to keep tabs on you without you knowing.

Understanding How Narcissists Control and Manipulate in Relationships

That’s why usually, once the narcissist thinks they’ve got you in the relationship, they don’t spy on you as much. Except in extreme cases I’ll mention soon, which sadly happen often. But maybe you haven’t faced that level of invasion.

Once narcissists feel they have control over you, especially during the devaluation stage, they may not feel the need to spy on you intensively.

I’m not saying they stop completely, instead once they believe they have you where they want you, they might just occasionally draw you back in with a bit of the love bombing phase to keep you hooked.

This allows them to keep taking from you like your time, money, energy, love, empathy, social status, job, health, and peace of mind, all the things that make up who you are.

Before you met the narcissist, you probably lived a life without toxicity, seeking peace.

The narcissist disrupted that, seeing your empathy as a weakness to exploit. They aimed to take everything from you, succeeding for a while until the relationship fell apart, they discarded you, or you ended it yourself.

Recognizing Extreme Forms of Narcissistic Spying and Provocation

Throughout your relationship, the narcissist was always spying on you whether it was in the beginning, during the middle, sometimes less, but maybe more, especially later on, as I’ll explain soon.

Think about these possibilities of spying. Did the narcissist install cameras in your home? Could your phone be bugged, even now? These are concerning possibilities that might relate to your situation.

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I can tell you this. Often, the narcissist intentionally provoked you, pushing your buttons hard.

During the relationship, you probably didn’t understand why they did this.

They wanted to get a reaction from you, which could lead to you reacting in a way you normally wouldn’t, like standing up for yourself or setting boundaries.

Understanding the Impact of Secret Narcissistic Abuse in Long Relationships

In situations where reactive abuse happened, it often came from enduring a long-term relationship where abuse was hidden behind closed doors during traveling, vacations, coffee time, and more.

You experienced invalidation, devaluation, and abuse in every way like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially.

Your friends from that time couldn’t see what was going on because in public, you put on a brave face.

You acted like everything was fine with the narcissist because that’s what you thought. But after coffee time, when you went home, you often faced consequences for being yourself.

Maybe that afternoon or evening, the narcissist ignored you or gave you the silent treatment, then blamed you for not talking to them during the coffee time.

You ended up cleaning up after everything, having paid for and prepared everything for it. You tried to enjoy yourself, but you didn’t recognize the narcissistic behavior at the time.

Understanding the Tactics of Provocation and Surveillance by Narcissists

And then what happened? The narcissist would start pushing your buttons. “Why aren’t you talking to me? What’s going on?” It was all so confusing. Then maybe they exploded in anger, and you couldn’t take it anymore.

You might have done something out of character, like raising your voice, which led to reactive abuse. And after that? Well, the narcissist might have pulled out their smartphone and started recording you with audio, video, or both.

They would say, “Look, I’ve got you on tape now. I recorded your bad behavior. See? It’s not me; it’s you. And I have proof right here.”

You might think, “Yes, I did what I did. Maybe I raised my voice” but what you wouldn’t show if you ever shared that video is what happened before that moment, the years of abuse behind closed doors that no one knew about.

Understanding Narcissists’ Tactics of Covert Surveillance and Manipulation

Think about this, why would someone record you without your permission, whether it’s audio or video? Let’s talk about the past and how narcissists spy on you. They try to collect evidence against you, especially when you’re vulnerable, like during times of reactive abuse when you may have reacted unusually.

The narcissist keeps pushing you until you snap, experiencing reactive abuse.

They capture these moments on tape to have something to control or manipulate you with later.

They might even show small parts of these recordings to others to make you look bad. But the longer recordings would likely show more of what led to your reaction, possibly revealing the narcissist’s own abusive behavior.

These are the tricks narcissists use, secretly recording you when you least expect it.

On smartphones, narcissists often use apps that look harmless but are actually used for other purposes, like accessing dating apps or toxic social media.

Understanding the Psychological Tactics of Narcissists in Relationships

The narcissist’s mind is chaotic and filled with anxiety. They are deeply insecure, cowardly, and often resort to bullying others. They project their own faults onto people around them.

When they record people without consent, it’s because they feel inferior and want to gather evidence against you.

Think about this, when you think back to your time with a narcissist, did you face toxicity? Maybe you said things you regret, It’s likely.

But did you act that way before being with the narcissist? Probably not. During that relationship, you were constantly tested, enduring increasing levels of abuse day after day, month after month, year after year.

The narcissist anticipated the relationship’s end and planned to blame you for its failure.

Consider what I’m sharing about this topic is complex, and I’ve waited to discuss it because narcissists spy on you in various ways: during the relationship, after it ends (which I’ll discuss soon), and even before you met them.

How Narcissists Investigate Before Entering Relationships

Remember, narcissists investigate you long before they enter a relationship with you. They might check your social media, talk to your friends, neighbors, or colleagues to see if you’re a good target for them.

As I write this article, people around the world are either starting relationships with narcissists, getting pulled back in by their tactics, or leaving these harmful situations whether by choice or because they were discarded.

None of these situations are healthy.

Once you realize someone is a toxic narcissist, every moment you spend with them is too long.

Leave them, plan your way out, stick to it, focus on yourself, and remember, none of this is your fault. You were manipulated by someone who wanted to drain your resources and change who you are.

That’s why you feel lost in these relationships, you can’t be yourself.

When a narcissist keeps upsetting you and causing chaos, there’s no stability in that relationship. It’s important to recognize these signs and prioritize yourself. If needed, come back to this article for guidance and strength.

The Manipulative Tactics of Narcissists in Social Circles

Let’s imagine another situation when you were with a narcissist. imagine: you’re in bed, maybe falling asleep before them. They’re often beside you, absorbed in their phone, looking for new people to manipulate or replace you.

Sometimes, you catch them staring at you with a strange expression when you turn over, making you question what they’re up to. “Were you watching me sleep?” you ask. They deny it and change the subject.

But in those moments, they were indeed studying you, planning how to manipulate you next.

While you slept peacefully, they were busy searching for their next victim.

Now, think about your friends. When you were with the narcissist, did they manage to become part of your social circle? Probably. Did they try to create problems between you and your close friends? Definitely.

This sneaky tactic involved spreading lies about you while you were still together. As a result, your friends started to pull away, leaving you confused and reaching out for answers.

When you confronted them, they either avoided you or gave vague excuses.

Little did you know, the narcissist had already talked to your now-distant friend, turning them into a “flying monkey” who reported back to the narcissist. This cycle allowed the narcissist to keep control over you, using manipulation and isolation to maintain their power.

The Insidious Spying Tactics of Narcissists

Let’s talk about some serious tactics here, narcissists might monitor your social media activity and smartphone, they’re experts at it.

This behavior comes from their deep insecurities and an intense need to control. They constantly spy on people to track their movements, actions, and even what others are saying about them.

This is why recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is crucial.

These aren’t normal, healthy relationships but toxic bonds where you unwittingly partnered with someone who aimed to undermine you. They weren’t who they pretended to be, in reality, they were your worst enemy, your worst nightmare, the narcissist.

You thought you were in a loving, stable connection and believed you weren’t being spied on. Because who does that? No one should, but that’s exactly what narcissists do.

Their aim was to bring you down, manipulate you, and drain your resources while escalating the abuse. These spying tactics often stay hidden until long after the relationship ends.

You might come across strange items in your home, car, or workplace, wondering what they are, only to discover they were tools for surveillance, a stark reminder of how far a narcissist will go to maintain control.

The Narcissist’s Persistent Surveillance Post-Healing

Not everyone goes through this, but I can tell you that after healing from a narcissistic relationship and reaching a point where you no longer care about the narcissist or anyone from your past, when you focus on yourself and rebuild your life with purpose and self-love. When you slow down and prioritize yourself.

Despite all this, the narcissist may still try to keep track of you.

Even if they’re far away, especially if you’re in the same city, town, state, or country, they might use “flying monkeys” fake social media accounts if you’re still online, or stay in touch with people who knew you.

They’ll be watching, I’m not saying this to upset you.

It’s because narcissists are used to manipulating and controlling people, keeping them trapped in their influence. When someone like you breaks free and heals, the narcissist struggles to understand it.

They can’t grasp how you managed to escape their control, despite their efforts.

But you did heal.

You reflected on yourself, got therapy, meditated or pray, journaled, watched videos, read articles or books, and realized that life is about your happiness, not about serving the narcissist’s empty desires. It’s about living and enjoying life on your terms.

Finding Liberation After Narcissistic Abuse

So, when you accept that you went through that relationship where you were taken advantage of, manipulated, and trapped for a while. But that’s not who you are anymore, you’ve reached a point where you don’t care about the narcissist anymore. They become insignificant.

They are rendered worthless, their impact fades, and they hold no power over you anymore.

Why am I so sure of this? Because think about it, at some point in that relationship, you might have been deeply in love, willing to do anything for the narcissist, and you did.

Then what happened? Maybe one day you reached your limit because of reactive abuse, perhaps the narcissist even recorded you, who knows?

Maybe all these things led up to that final day.

When you finally stood up for yourself, set a boundary, and the narcissist still insisted on their way or the highway. And then, the very next day or soon after, you were thrown away.

When this happens, you understand that going through that relationship was unavoidable. But here you are now, is the narcissist still watching you? I can’t say for sure.

But if you’ve broken free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse, if you’ve healed properly by blocking them, cutting off contact, and removing all their allies and connections, then you’re truly strong.

Wrap it up

You’re different because you’ve broken free from the cycle, unlike others who might still be stuck in a harmful bond with a narcissist, not fully aware of their situation. You’re actively involved in your community, taking time to recharge, slowing down, and reflecting deeply on your experiences.

You understand that your past relationship never benefited your well-being, then or now.

It’s important to realize that the narcissist might continue their manipulative games, often without your knowledge.

But it’s not your job to watch their actions, your focus should be on living fully. Once you’ve healed, focusing on self-care and personal growth each day becomes crucial.

I hope you enjoyed the article, I loved writing it for you. This is Ryan signing off. Remember, true change begins with a spark. I care for each and every one of you.

Let the narcissists stay where they are now, watching others without involving you, this is what maintaining no contact is about.

It shows your freedom, setting boundaries that affirm your self-worth and prioritize your happiness, knowing you’re more than just someone to be used.

I hope you found my article informative and helpful.

Please let me know what you think, God bless you, Love you all, and take care!

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