There comes a moment when you realize, deep down you don’t want to know anymore. You’ve seen enough, you’ve cried enough, you’ve tried to make sense of things that never made sense.

And now, the story is different. The relationship is done, you’re healing or maybe already far along that path. And suddenly, the silence feels like peace instead of punishment. You begin to understand that going no contact isn’t about running away, it’s about protecting yourself. 

It’s like closing the book on a chapter that only brought confusion. You don’t check their social media, you don’t ask mutual friends, you finally allow yourself not to know, because that’s where your freedom lives.

There are two parts to this kind of healing: one is realizing you shouldn’t know anything about them and the other is realizing you don’t want them to know anything about you.

In the beginning, especially if the breakup is still fresh, your mind gets noisy. You feel curious, you want answers, you want to understand why it all happened the way it did. You’re searching for closure, for a sign, for something that makes it all make sense. 

But here’s the hard truth is, narcissists don’t give closure. 

They never did things to benefit you when you were together, so they’re not going to start now. That moment when they discarded you? That wasn’t just painful. It was toxic, confusing, and deeply damaging. But honestly, the relationship itself was all of those things too.

There comes a time usually after you’ve sat with all the pain and started to rebuild, when it clicks: the less you know, the better you feel. You don’t need to know where they live now, what their hair looks like, or who they’re dating. 

Especially not who the new supply is. You don’t need to see if they’re still hanging out with people from your past. You don’t want to know what groups they’ve joined, what they’re posting, or what stories they’re spinning. Because knowing only pulls you back into their world and healing happens when you finally say, “I don’t want to know anymore.”

You gave so much of yourself without even seeing it.

One of the hardest parts of leaving a narcissistic relationship is looking back and realizing how much of yourself you gave away without even noticing. When you’re in it, you don’t see the slow shift. At first, you think you’re just being helpful, supportive, loving.

But over time, you stop living for yourself. Your days begin to revolve around what they want, how they want it, and when they want it. You become like a shadow, doing everything they ask just to keep the peace or avoid another explosion.

And somewhere along the way, your own identity fades. You stop asking yourself, “What do I really want?” because the answer stopped mattering a long time ago. That’s the nature of the cycle, narcissistic abuse goes in circles, always leading back to them. They’re at the center, always.

And around them? A carefully chosen crowd, people who serve a purpose. Some stay because they need the narcissist, maybe for money, housing, a job, or even just emotional support, and some stay because they think they need them. Others stay because they’ve been pulled into the narcissist’s world and now do their dirty work like spying, manipulating, keeping the lies alive.

It could be access to luxury, favors, vacations, or just the illusion of closeness. But everyone around the narcissist is there for a reason, no one is kept close unless they’re giving something the narcissist can use. And if you were once in that role? It’s no wonder it takes time to find yourself again.

Narcissists don’t just get into relationships with anyone. No, they choose carefully. If you don’t have something they can take like your kindness, your time, your energy, your stability, they won’t bother keeping you around. Because they’re not interested in love, they’re interested in gain.

But sometimes, narcissists are drawn to people who are down. People who are vulnerable, who’ve just come through a loss, or who are trying to rebuild. And more often than not, they’re drawn to empaths, those warm, loving, grounded people who care deeply. Why? Because empaths give and narcissists take.

That’s why, once you’re out of the relationship and I mean truly out. The path forward is clear: block, go no contact, and don’t look back. I wrote this often because it works, it really does. The less you know about them, the better off you’ll be.

Think about when they were with you, they gave it everything they had, not in love, but in destruction. They used every tool in their twisted toolbox: gaslighting you until you questioned reality, shutting you out with stonewalling, exploding with rage out of nowhere, playing people against you with triangulation, spreading lies in smear campaigns, blaming you for their wrongs through projection, and mirroring your best parts to wear them like a mask.

You didn’t know what was happening because no one taught you this, no one handed you a guidebook on narcissistic abuse. What you had were the experiences. Painful ones, confusing ones. But now? Now you have something more, you have the truth. You have words to match what you went through, and when you combine those lived experiences with real knowledge that’s when wisdom is born.

It wasn’t love, it was control dressed up as connection.

I shared this not long ago on my recent article on medium, and I still believe it deeply. This kind of wisdom, it’s not for everyone. It’s for those of us who’ve been through the worst and are starting to climb out. For those of us who have picked up that tiny clue buried in all the confusion, who are starting to practice something called radical acceptance. That means finally seeing the relationship for what it truly was, not for what we dreamed it could be.

The truth is, the relationship was painful. It was exhausting, it was full of tricks and traps. The narcissist didn’t show you who they really were in the beginning, they wore a mask. They pretended to be everything you ever wanted. They clung to your energy, your kindness, your spark, just to use it for their own benefit.

And when you were deep in it, you didn’t even realize how much of yourself you were giving away. You started caring about every little thing that revolved around them, where they were, who they were with, what they were doing, what time they were coming home, whether you had dinner ready, if their clothes were washed. You questioned everything.

Not because you were weak, but because you were trying to keep the peace. Trying to win back the version of them they showed you in the beginning. But that version? It was never real.

The more effort you gave, the less they appreciated you. And still, you gave more. It was like you were under a spell, a fog, where doing more for them felt like the only way to feel safe, or seen, or even slightly valued. But they never really gave you anything real in return. 

Just crumbs, crumbs of attention, crumbs of approval. Just enough to keep you hoping, just enough to keep you from walking away. But now you’re waking up. You’re learning that you were never supposed to live off crumbs. You deserved the whole meal, the real connection, the real love, not manipulation dressed up as affection.

You know what’s wild? 

In the beginning, the narcissist doesn’t just show up like a regular person looking for love. No, they show up like they’re your dream come true. They make it feel like you’re about to step into the best relationship of your life. And at first, it really does feel that way. It’s intense, fast, emotional. It hits you hard, like you’re suddenly the main character in a love story you didn’t see coming.

But that’s the game!

It starts off so high, so exciting, that you don’t even realize it’s just a match being struck. For example, you light a match, at first it flares up, it burns bright, it glows but in seconds? It fizzles out. That’s exactly what happens in these relationships. There’s no lasting flame, just a flash. 

Because underneath it all, there’s nothing solid. No depth, no real love. Just someone looking to feed off your light, your energy, your kindness, your hope. And when they’ve got you right where they want you, in that foggy stage where you start second-guessing yourself, they begin to take more and more. Slowly, quietly. They chip away at everything that makes you, you. 

Your dreams? Your clarity? Your relationships with others? Your health? Your peace of mind? All of it becomes fuel for them.

But the narcissist is always watching, always calculating. They want to know if there’s more to take, maybe you got a new job, maybe an inheritance came through, maybe they think you’re hiding something they can still access. 

So they keep testing, keep snooping. They check your social media, they check your energy. They ask subtle questions, they want to see if you’re still a source they can drain. And that’s how they work, it’s not love. It’s surveillance, it’s control, it’s all about what they can take next.

At first they studied you to use you, but now you’ve got the knowledge, the healing, and you’re finally free from needing their story to make sense.

At beginning, when the narcissist first saw you, they didn’t think, “Wow, I’ve found someone special.” No. They thought, “Okay, this one might do, for now.” They studied you, watched how you smiled, how you moved, what made you tick. And then, in their mind, they started planning like “What do I need to become to get this person’s attention?”

So maybe they cleaned up a little, acted more available. Made stronger eye contact, flashed a few smiles, laughed at your jokes, complimented your style. Slowly, they reeled you in. Not because they loved you, but because you were their next target, their next source.

It started casually, right? A few friendly chats. Then coffee, coffee became lunch, lunch turned into dinner, then weekends together. Before long, you were in a relationship, or at least something that felt like one. But the truth? They had already decided how long you’d last in their life. This wasn’t spontaneous, it was a plan.

And while you were getting closer, asking about their past, their family, their childhood, hoping to understand them better, they were only telling you pieces of what they wanted you to believe. Not the full story, just enough to seem real, enough to gain your trust. They spoke in half-truths, always keeping parts of themselves hidden, always switching between charm and confusion.

You see, narcissists do study too but not to grow, not to heal. They study people, they learn how to get what they want quicker. They learn how to play the role better. And now, with smartphones and the internet, their game got easier. New faces, new admirers, new supply, all just a click away. That’s why narcissism grew so fast.

But people like you and me, we woke up. We started learning too, we realized that not everyone has good intentions. We realized that our kindness, our loyalty, our bright shining light was being taken for granted. And now? We see them for who they are. Not with hate, not with bitterness. Just with clear eyes, and that’s how we start to heal.

Back then, we didn’t have the knowledge. And I’ll be real with you, before the internet and smartphones, most of us would’ve never figured any of this out. Sure, there were books, articles, and maybe a few magazine pieces here and there, but they didn’t go deep. 

They barely scratched the surface. Narcissistic abuse? It wasn’t taken seriously. It was often ignored or watered down, hidden in textbook terms or buried in old psychology journals that barely made it into everyday conversations.

Then the internet arrived, people started speaking up. Some created articles, blogs, channels, podcasts. And suddenly, those of us who had lived through it started connecting the dots. We finally had words for what we went through, that’s when we became aware, when we started waking up.

And I want to to give credit where it’s due. To anyone who was doing the deep inner work before the age of Google or smartphones, thank you. You were ahead of your time. Maybe you’re no longer here, or maybe you’re still walking this earth quietly. 

Either way, we appreciate you. You kept the light burning, and now we’ve picked up that torch. People like us, those who’ve lived it and learned from it, we’re now paying it forward. Helping others, passing the knowledge along to those who don’t even know they’re hurting yet.

That’s why I’m sharing this now. Because, there’s real peace in reaching the point where you don’t need to understand them anymore. And let me be clear, it usually doesn’t happen right when you block them or go no contact. That first step? It’s hard. It feels like cutting off a piece of your own past. But it’s necessary, It’s how you start to heal, it’s how your mind begins to untangle from the mess.

Later on, days, weeks, maybe even months down the road, you’ll feel something shift. You’ll think, “I don’t want to know where they are. I don’t want to hear their name. I don’t care who they’re with or what they’re posting.” You might even feel a bit guilty at first for thinking that, but actually? That’s growth, that’s freedom. 

It means you’ve stopped waiting for closure that was never coming. You’ve stopped wondering if they ever truly loved you, you’ve stopped hoping they’ll change. Because deep down, you now understand, they don’t change. 

They just find new ways to hide who they are. They’ll say whatever sounds convincing. They’ll sell you lies like snake oil, hoping you’ll buy in one last time. But you? You’re no longer buying. You’re building something stronger now, you’re rebuilding you.

I hope you found my article informative and helpful.

Please let me know what you think, God bless you, Love you all, and take care!

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