When the narcissist starts to lose control over you, it’s like holding something that slowly falls from your hands. Imagine you’re holding a cup of coffee, and you’re about to take a big sip. But just as you try, the cup slips from your hands and spills everywhere. In that moment, you know you have no control anymore. It’s simple, but it shows how quickly things can go wrong.
In your relationship, the narcissist had a much stronger hold on you than you ever thought. It was like they slowly became part of your life, saying all the things you wanted to hear. They acted like they understood your dreams, goals, and everything you wanted, making you feel like they were the perfect person for you.
When you first met them, you were probably feeling weak or unsure, and they took advantage of that. They knew exactly what to say, and you believed them. You started to think that they really understood you. You might have thought, “How is this person still single? They are amazing.” Or, “Why don’t they have many friends? What’s wrong with everyone else?” You might have even thought, “What hard things did they go through in life?” All these things made you think they were someone special, someone who could really connect with you.
Now it’s clear, it was all just lies and games. That was their fake side, their mask. The stories they told you about their past? Some maybe true, some maybe not, who knows? What we do know is that they saw you. They saw your good qualities, your energy, and they wanted to control it. They wanted you to stay in their world, always doing things for them, always saying sorry, and keeping you under their control. They worked hard to keep you where they wanted you.
For some time, they were good at it, right? But then, something changed. The mask fell, and you had that moment when everything made sense. You realized that cutting them out was the only way to move forward. Removing them from your life, blocking anyone who helped them, just cleaning up your life from all their drama. But if that feels hard right now, start with Grey Rock. Stay neutral, stay boring, and stay out of their sight. And if neither of those work, it’s time to make a plan. Think about what you need to do, and when the time is right, take action.
They trapped you without you even knowing but now you see the truth, and that changes everything
The narcissist knew how to keep you close, and they did it well. Maybe you got married or started a relationship, and then you found out you were having a baby. Maybe you were the one pregnant, or maybe they were, either way, it made the connection even stronger. With a baby involved, their control could last for many years.
Back then, you didn’t know about narcissism. No one taught you how to see the signs. You didn’t know that some people use games to get you into a relationship, keep you there, and stay in control the whole time. It was something you didn’t expect at all.
Let’s say you married the narcissist and had kids. The narcissist knew that having children would tie you to them for a long time, at least until the kids were mature enough to live on their own. And they made sure to use that to keep control over you.
You might think, “Why would anyone do that?” Well, it’s simple. Someone like that wants to control you, make you feel trapped, and keep you with them. They want to make sure you can’t escape.
But it wasn’t only you they wanted to control, they also wanted to control your kids. Being parents wasn’t enough for them, they wanted little versions of themselves. They didn’t care about working together with you to raise the kids. Instead, they focused on going against the way you wanted to raise them, always trying to make things harder for you.
When the narcissist has you in their control, that’s when they feel they can do anything. They’ve already trapped you in confusion or a strong emotional bond, and you don’t even realize it. You didn’t learn about this, so you didn’t know how to protect yourself from their games.
You didn’t know what gaslighting was. You didn’t understand things like the silent treatment, stonewalling, or trying to make you feel crazy. You didn’t know about things like mirroring, blaming you for everything, or their angry outbursts. You didn’t know about how they could hurt you with money or words, you didn’t see any of these things coming.
All you knew was that the person you met, the one you thought you knew, changed. It felt like once you took that next step like married, moved in together, or anything big, everything in the relationship changed. And that change was real, even if you didn’t fully understand it yet.
In a narcissistic relationship, there are three important moments. The first one is when you meet them. Imagine if they were honest with you and gave you a paper that says, “This is me. This is how I treated others before. This is how I’ll treat you. And when I’m finished with you, I’ll throw you away like garbage and find someone new.” But this never happens, right? They don’t say that.
The second moment is when something big happens. It could be getting married, having kids, or even moving far away. That’s when the narcissist knows they have control over you, they know they’ve trapped you now.
The third part is when the relationship ends, but that happens only if you never figured out what narcissism is. But let’s not talk about that now, that’s a whole other story.
What really matters is that you’re one of the lucky ones. You’re strong, you didn’t give up. You worked hard to understand what narcissism is and what kind of relationship you were in. You found the truth, even if it was hidden. That’s something to be thankful for, not because you had to go through the tough times, but because you figured it out.
Now, you can start to heal. You have what it takes to fix yourself. You can leave, cut all ties, and go no contact, block them from your life for good. Most people never reach that point. They never find the truth. But you did, and that changes everything.
They controlled your money, your time, and your mind but now you see it for what it really was.
When you were with the narcissist, they always had control over you, especially with money. Maybe you were the one earning most of the money, or maybe you both worked, doesn’t really matter. What matters is, no matter how hard you worked, the narcissist always found a way to take your money.
You probably ended up with lots of credit card debt, living way beyond what you could afford. Maybe you were living in a house you couldn’t really pay for, going on trips you couldn’t afford, or putting your kids in expensive schools that stretched your money too much.
But what about you? Were you saving any money for the future? Were you getting ready for emergencies or fixing your home? No, instead, your money was going away so fast, all because the narcissist kept pushing you to spend. And that’s what they wanted, keep you spending, keep you busy, and never let you build any real financial security.
When the narcissist had control of your money, you ended up doing what they wanted all the time. Another example is how things changed when you were with them. Think about what you liked to do before you met them, maybe you liked hanging out with friends, trekking, or doing something else that brought you joy.
But when you were with the narcissist, you probably stopped doing these things. You didn’t hang out with friends or go trekking anymore because they didn’t like those activities.
Why? Because they were always trying to control you. They didn’t need to stop you directly, but they made sure you were too busy, too tired, or didn’t have enough money to do the things you liked. If they didn’t want you spending money on something, they would make you think it was a bad idea like, “Why spend money on your friends and trip when it could be used for me?” They didn’t need to say it out loud. They just made sure you didn’t do anything that wasn’t part of their plan.
I’m not a narcissist, but let’s think about how they controlled you. One of the biggest ways they kept control was by making you believe they were who they said they were. This is the main part of narcissism and how they trap you in the trauma bond. The hard truth is, the person you thought you loved, the one you believed loved you, was never able to truly love you.
I know it’s hard to accept, but it’s the truth. Narcissists don’t know what love is, and they don’t have empathy. They only care about themselves. People are just tools for them, things they use to get what they want. They play mind games, they control, they move people around like chess pieces to get what they need.
When you were stuck in this mental confusion, trapped in the trauma bond, it felt like you were locked in a cage. You didn’t know how you ended up there, but you knew you had to get out. The problem was, you didn’t know what was happening. You didn’t understand narcissism, you didn’t have the knowledge or the tools to break free.
Every day in that relationship, it felt like things were getting worse, even if you didn’t know how to explain it. Imagine when the door opened, who would you meet, the nice side of the narcissist or the angry one? It was always a surprise. They might say, “I’ll be home at 5. Let’s eat together. What are you cooking?” So you would spend a long time preparing, getting everything ready. But then they wouldn’t come home until 9:30.
When they finally arrived, they would look confused and ask, “What’s going on here?” You, tired from waiting, would answer, “I’ve been waiting for more than 4 hours. Where were you?” And they would say, “Oh, I was at work. Didn’t you get my text?” It was always like that, never taking responsibility, just making you feel like it was your fault.
They always had some excuse for why they were not there, right? The whole idea was to keep you feeling stuck and like you had no choice. They knew just how to keep you in that situation. They let you spend hours cooking a big meal, knowing they wouldn’t show up when they said they would, if they even came home at all. While you were waiting, they were probably getting attention from someone else or doing whatever they felt like.
But they didn’t do what they promised. They didn’t come home to eat the meal you worked hard on. This is just one of many ways a narcissist keeps control, always making you wait and feel let down. It wasn’t just once or twice, it happened all the time.
They controlled you through your phone, your time, and your life but the moment you cut the strings, everything changed.
Think about how your phone’s pinging all the time was part of the control. Every time you heard it, you’d quickly check who it was. If it was the narcissist, you’d feel something maybe excitement, maybe nervousness. You couldn’t just ignore it, so you’d reply fast, no matter what you were doing.
You’d send them long messages, telling them everything you did, who you were with, what you were planning to do, basically trying to show you were busy and working, hoping they wouldn’t add more to your already big list. But it never stopped. When they came home, they’d find something to complain about, or they’d give you a new list of things to do, making you feel like what you did wasn’t good enough.
Texting was their way to control you, like they had you on a string. Every time your phone made a sound, especially if it was a message from them, you stopped everything to reply quickly because you didn’t want more problems. You just wanted everything to be okay.
It was like playing Whack-a-Mole, the game where you hit one mole, but another one comes up right away. That’s how it felt with the narcissist. They kept giving you more and more things to do, but never said anything good about it. No “well done,” no “good job.”
Why? Because they were always trying to outdo everyone, even you. They expected way too much, and no matter how much you did, it was never enough for them.
The narcissist had really high expectations for everyone around them whether it was the people giving them attention, the ones doing things for them, the ones they controlled, their kids, co-workers, or even friends. They wanted everyone to do whatever it took to make them feel better about themselves.
The reason the narcissist controlled all these people is simple: each person was there to give them something, even if they didn’t know it.
The narcissist doesn’t just pick anyone to be close to them. They choose people based on what they can get from them. Maybe it’s a car, money, connections, or status. These people have to be useful. The narcissist might like someone who has a beach house, a yacht, or even a private jet, anything that helps them feel important or get the attention they crave.
The narcissist is always looking for ways to make themselves look better, but it doesn’t always need to be something big like a yacht or a big house. Sometimes, it’s just being invited to a party, barbecue, or some event where they can feel important.
They are always comparing themselves to others whether it’s their co-workers, friends, or even people they see online. They always think about how their current attention is compared to the past. And when they stop talking to someone, they immediately start comparing that person to the new one they are with.
But the thing is, the narcissist can never feel truly happy. A stable, calm relationship is never enough. They are always looking for something more, always chasing after the next thing to make them feel good for a short time, but it never lasts.
The narcissist loves when there is chaos and confusion. They want to control people around them to feel strong. But when they lose control over you whether it’s your emotions, money, being around them, or even your spirit, that’s when they start to lose power.
It’s not only about breaking those connections, but when you decide to cut even one of them, that’s when real change starts. The narcissist loses their hold on you, and that’s a good thing, it means you’re taking back control and becoming stronger.
You lost yourself in the narcissist’s control, but now you’re finding the strongest version of you.
Let’s look at this in a different way for a moment. The narcissist didn’t only control you in one or two ways, they had many ways to hold you tight. Maybe you didn’t see it while you were in the relationship, or maybe you’re still stuck in it, trying to break free. It could be with a partner, a parent, a sibling, or someone else, and maybe you can’t completely cut ties for some reason. I understand it’s hard.
If this is you, don’t let the narcissist see everything you’re doing. Keep your life simple and quiet. Understand that where you are right now doesn’t mean this will always be your situation. The future can be different, but you have to start planning your way out. It’s about knowing when it’s the right time and being ready to act when that moment comes.
That’s why I always talk about cutting off contact, blocking, and making space. But sometimes, people end up stuck with a narcissist, like in a marriage, even when they know exactly who the narcissist is.
Maybe you’re waiting for your kids to get older, hoping for a divorce, or dealing with money or custody issues. If that’s you, you get what I mean.
But whatever the reason, you need a plan. You can’t stay in that bad relationship forever, especially if the narcissist still has some control over you, even if it seems small. That control is still control, and it’s still affecting your life.
When you understand that getting away from these people is the only way to go, you have to ask yourself: if not now, when? That’s why it’s so important to break those four connections. You have to free yourself from them. Going no contact isn’t just a choice, it’s something you must do for your own peace.
The truth is, the narcissist was controlling you all along, until when? Yes, until they couldn’t anymore.
That’s why so many of us had to move, change everything, and start new. We left places we thought were home for a long time. It’s about getting your freedom back and making a fresh start, far away from their negative influence.
We had to let go of people we cared about, people who got fooled by the narcissist’s lies and believed all the false things said about us. We had to say goodbye to family, friends, and loved ones, even though it hurt a lot.
But this is how it goes when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. There are always losses. It’s not just the narcissist you need to run from, it’s everyone connected to them, even if they are just a few steps away.
Anyone can become a “flying monkey,” telling the narcissist everything they know, especially if they think you’re still talking to them. That’s why you need to stop all contact, no matter who they are.
That’s why going no contact is the key.
Once the narcissist no longer has control over you, it feels like a weight is lifted. It’s a sense of freedom, empowerment, and a new world of possibilities. It’s like waking up to who you truly are again.
Remember when you were stuck in that relationship, you had to lose yourself to eventually find who you really are.
Let me repeat that, you lost yourself to find yourself.
Before the narcissist came into your life, you didn’t fully know who you were. If you had, you would never have ended up in that relationship. And when you were in it, you were blinded by the narcissistic fog, unable to see your true self.
When that relationship ended whether they left you or you decided to leave, you had to start all over. You had to find your strength, put yourself back together, and begin again, even if it felt hard.
You came out of it stronger, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. You started to climb up, leaving the bad stuff behind, and becoming a new version of yourself, one you didn’t even know was possible. Maybe you’re there now, on your way, or close to it.
You’re not the same person you were before. You’re in a new chapter, the best version of yourself, stronger, smarter, and more ready than ever.
And this is when the narcissist no longer own you. This is when you use everything you’ve learned, focus on the present, and leave the past behind. Those bad memories don’t belong with you anymore.
