If you’re like me, you’ve likely seen the word “limerence” a lot on social media recently. Wondering what it’s all about, I decided to find out more and understand what it means.

In the early 1970s, psychologist Dorothy Tennov made up the word “limerence” in her book “Love and Limerence.” She used it to talk about a strong feeling people have when they really want someone else to like them back. 

Tennov came up with this idea after talking to lots of people about love in the 1960s.

She described limerence as a state of intense longing, constant thoughts about someone, and a strong emotional dependence on them. 

It’s like being addicted to love. I believe limerence is more like a trauma bond than real love or a simple crush. Basically, limerence is a powerful, quick infatuation with someone, driven by worry about whether they feel the same way.

Understanding Limerence: Causes and Examples from Childhood Neglect to Insecure Attachment

A good example of limerence is when Michael from “The Office” gets infatuated with the chair model. It’s very intense. He becomes completely obsessed with her, thinking of nothing else the whole episode, even though he doesn’t know her and she isn’t interested. 

We also find out she died in a car accident years before he knew about her. 

This shows the kind of instant, overwhelming obsession we’re talking about. Limerence can be painful and involuntary, and many of you have said you don’t understand why it happens.

Let’s talk about the five causes of limerence, because to change it, we first need to understand it. 

The first cause is childhood emotional neglect. If we were emotionally neglected as kids, we might crave validation and affirmation in relationships because we don’t know how to give it to ourselves. 

Limerence, with its intense infatuation and need for reciprocation, can feel familiar, like our childhood. 

Even though it wasn’t healthy, it feels normal. We may feel like we have to chase someone to be seen and fight for their attention because that’s what we learned from our parents, making limerence or unrequited love feel normal. 

Also, if we grew up feeling unimportant or unloved, we might create fantasies to cope. 

We imagine wonderful relationships with our limerent object, perfect days or trips together, and them expressing their love for us, providing an escape from the realities of emotional neglect and feelings of unworthiness. 

We use limerence to fill the void left by our parents or to distract ourselves from it. The second cause is insecure attachment, which builds on the first point. When we grow up without consistent or supportive parents, we can develop attachment problems that affect our relationships. 

We might become anxious, afraid of being alone, scared of rejection, and have low self-esteem. This can lead to limerence because if we don’t really know someone, they can’t reject us. Also, constantly thinking about them can make us feel less lonely.

Exploring the Causes of Limerence: From Avoidant Attachment and Childhood Trauma to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

For people with avoidant attachment, if our crush isn’t interested, it’s safer because we don’t have to get close or be intimate. We can keep imagining them without getting too close. 

And for those with disorganized attachment, not having real intimacy in limerence is a relief. We don’t have to touch, get comfort, or trust. We can stay infatuated, super-focused, and easily move on if they change their mood.

Childhood trauma often leads to limerence and can also cause the attachment issues we talked about earlier. 

When our caregivers mistreat us instead of showing love, we might spend our adult lives looking for someone to fill that void. But the fear of being hurt again can make it hard to have healthy relationships. 

Loving someone from afar might feel safer. 

Also, limerence involves daydreaming a lot, where we escape into fantasies instead of dealing with reality. This helps us avoid facing the pain from our past. 

When we’re struggling, limerence becomes our way of coping, distracting us from our current problems.

Cause number four was unexpected: obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Limerence means we can’t stop thinking about someone and do things to get their attention, which can be like undiagnosed OCD. 

With OCD, you obsess over something and then do things to calm down, taking up at least an hour every day. 

This matches limerence because we obsess over our crush, think they’re perfect, and spend a ton of time trying to get closer to them. It’s exhausting, and it might be linked to our OCD-like habits.

Dealing with Limerence when you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Cause number five was unexpected: borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD makes us really scared of being abandoned, and limerence can make that fear even stronger. 

When we’re totally infatuated with someone, always thinking about them and dreaming about being together, it makes us worry even more about being left alone. 

We might start thinking the relationship is real and do anything to keep it going. 

With BPD, where we often feel bad about ourselves and do things without thinking, limerence can be a lot to handle.

This makes our fear of being abandoned even stronger. 

We might start thinking the relationship is real and do whatever it takes to keep it going. When you combine this with BPD, where we often feel bad about ourselves and act impulsively, limerence can feel even more intense. 

We really want a connection but also worry about being rejected or left alone. With BPD, we can feel like we’re being pulled in different directions, and limerence can make that feeling worse. 

When our infatuation ends, it can connect with splitting behavior, where we see someone as either all good or all bad. This makes it easier for us to let go of a relationship that wasn’t real.

Recognizing and Overcoming Limerence

Limerence, often used to cope, can hide as a harmless habit or way to numb feelings. Here are some signs to recognize it:

• Each crush feels intense and happens quickly.
• Daydreaming about them becomes a constant, more than actual interactions.
• Ignoring red flags or incompatibilities.
• Having an obsessive desire for them to feel the same.
• Seeing them as flawless, ignoring their faults.
• Always looking for similarities with them.
• Believing they can solve all problems.
• Feeling overwhelmed by interest in them.
• Thinking life is impossible without them.
• Realizing they don’t know much about you or don’t feel the same.

Because limerence is often connected to trauma, feeling attached or obsessed with someone might feel good at first but can quickly get overwhelming, making it hard to do everyday things. 

Some have said they feel silly later on, and others even said it feels like going through the trauma again. So, if you’re dealing with limerence, here are some ways to get past it.

Understanding limerence and how it affects you is important to figure out if you’re going through it. 

Look closely at the symptoms mentioned earlier and see if they match what you’re feeling. 

It might be hard and feel like rejection at first, but it’s important to keep trying. 

If we don’t get better at recognizing limerence, we might keep ending up in one-sided relationships, causing more pain over time and making it harder to find a loving, healthy relationship, which we all deserve.

Healing and Coping Strategies for Overcoming Limerence

Imagine we’re trying to heal from our past trauma. Therapy can help, but not just any therapy, we’re talking about specific types like EMDR and somatic experiencing. 

The goal isn’t to forget our past, but to free ourselves from its hold on us now. If you’re interested, I have a workshop on building secure relationships. 

And don’t forget about inner child work, it’s about giving ourselves the love we might have missed out on as kids. 

Let’s challenge our thoughts. Limerence, that intense infatuation, feeds on our fantasies. So, let’s be detectives about our own minds. 

Let’s question our assumptions and make sure we’re seeing things clearly.

Ever think yourself rushing into a relationship or getting lost in daydreams?

Let’s put a label on those impulses, are they from limerence or past trauma? 

Time for a challenge, aim for a calmer perspective and find something less exciting to focus on. 

And here’s the thing, managing emotions is key. 

Those intense feelings often come from old trauma like fear of being left or rejected. So, let’s get better at handling our feelings. 

It’s not about ignoring them, but deciding which ones to pay attention to and which ones to let go of.

Alright, to handle limerence, we need to boost our resilience. 

Start by nailing the basics, take your meds on time, shower, eat well, drink water, and get enough sleep. 

Once you’ve got that down, you’ll be better equipped to deal with limerence urges and decide what to do. Think of it like learning a new skill, take your time and go easy on yourself as you get the hang of it.

Wrap it up

Let’s sum it up, taking it slow in relationships is important. Normal ones don’t rush like Usain Bolt. We spend time together, find things we like, and build trust over time. 

As we bond, we get closer. 

But for those of us dealing with limerence, going slow can feel boring or like rejection. Just know, if we want to change how we do relationships, it might feel weird at first.

Don’t forget to double-check. 

Their slow response doesn’t mean they’re not into you, they might be busy. And if they can’t meet tonight, it doesn’t mean they’re not interested, we’ve got plans this weekend. 

Remember, it’s normal to feel uneasy sometimes, but strong relationships need time to grow.

I hope this helped you understand limerence better. It can be hard to deal with, but by being aware and healing, we can have good relationships. If you have any more tips or thoughts, share them below. 

I hope you found this article interesting and useful.

Thanks for reading! Please take a moment to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. Don’t forget to share if you found it informative ❤

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