Let’s talk about what a narcissist often keeps back in a relationship. I wrote an article about this in the past, but I’ve received many emails asking why narcissists hold things back and why they act the way they do. So, I’m going to cover it again and add more details. Let’s get started.

When you’re with a narcissist, they hide a lot from you. They pretend to be someone they’re not to make you fall in love with them. Their goal is to trap you into taking care of them or supporting a lifestyle they can’t manage alone.

Narcissists are fundamentally bullies and cowards, empty on the inside. They thrive on using kind, loving, stable, and empathetic people who may not realize their own value.

Narcissists see everyone as a chance to get something for themselves, especially if you’re unsure of yourself.

At first, they hide their true selves. Then, they keep their relationships secret.

Even if you were in a serious relationship or married to them, you were just one source of what they need. They look for ways to get what they want, whether it’s hidden or right in front of you, without caring about their commitment to you.

Hidden Relationships, Balancing Multiple Circles to Meet Personal Needs

Let’s talk about this more, a narcissist can’t be happy with just one person or one group in their life because they need multiple circles of people as backups in case one group doesn’t work out or sees through their act.

This allows them to easily move on without anyone noticing.

Their constant shifting from person to person, place to place, or relationship to relationship causes harm because they don’t care about others.

They’re only focused on what others can do for them.

They kept these other relationships hidden from you. For example, when they were supposedly at work and coming home late or leaving early, it likely wasn’t because they loved their job.

They were probably setting up another meeting or date to get attention from someone else.

When they stayed late after work, claiming a pile of work to do, it was often just an excuse to connect with others outside your knowledge. Everything they did was about fulfilling their own desires, regardless of how it affected those around them.

Deceptive Patterns, How Narcissists Juggle Relationships and Manipulate Emotions

Maybe that’s how it happened, or maybe not. It’s possible the narcissist was losing interest and getting bored in your relationship. They had already trapped you in their manipulative fog, where you were unknowingly going along with their desires. You might have even fallen in love with them, though narcissists can’t love back.

They kept you stuck in an emotional rollercoaster.

While you were committed to them, the narcissist was probably looking for someone else.

So, to get to the point, after work, they might have been getting close to someone new. This person could have been spending a lot of extra time with them, and before long, they were attached.

This new person wasn’t married or engaged to the narcissist like you were back then, now they might be a backup or even replace you. That’s how narcissists work, they hide their true selves and only show their mask to you and anyone else who gives them attention.

Holding Back Affection, How Narcissists Control Relationships

Staying on track, another thing the narcissist didn’t give you was closeness. Maybe at the beginning of your relationship, especially if it was romantic, there was a lot of connection and you felt, “This is great, this person is so close to me.” and so on.

But then, surprise. Once you said “I love you” moved in together, got engaged or married, or faced a challenge like illness or money problems, that’s when things changed.

Let me clarify, once you made a bigger commitment, that’s when the narcissist knew they had control over you.

When they feel they have control, they can do whatever they want. Remember, a narcissist can’t really love you, but you might have fallen in love with them if it was a romantic relationship.

That’s important to understand.

Now, about closeness. Once the narcissist feels they’ve got you, they might hold back on being close as a way to control you and make you do what they want.

For example, imagine you both went on a weekend trip to the beach or a city, expecting to feel close after planning and paying for everything. But when the time came, there was no closeness.

Manipulating Emotions, How Narcissists Control Through Criticism and Intimacy

Let’s look at this differently. Did the narcissist act lovingly to get close to you? Probably not. Being close is a natural human need, especially in love. They might have avoided intimacy or ruined special moments because they could.

Later, you might find yourself apologizing for things you didn’t understand, and that’s when the narcissist regained control so they got what they wanted.

I won’t dwell on intimacy, but they can use it as a weapon whenever they want.

The same goes for your worth and value. How often did the narcissist criticize you, projecting their own insecurities onto you? They might say hurtful things like “You’re worthless” or “No one likes you” without realizing they were talking about themselves.

At the time, you believed them because you didn’t know better, you were slowly losing your self-esteem.

It was confusing to hear such hurtful words from someone who claimed to love you.

They said those things because they could and they knew it would hurt you. At the time, you didn’t realize you were in a relationship with a narcissist, so making sense of it all was impossible, you were stuck in their confusion.

When you’re deep in that confusion, you lose your way and focus only on pleasing the narcissist, forgetting your own needs.

I. Manipulative Communication, How Narcissists Control Through Interaction

They keep hiding things from you like information, their time, attention, and how much they talk to you. Let’s talk about communication for a moment. At the beginning of the relationship, you were probably sending cute emojis and sweet messages, everything felt great.

If the narcissist sent a heart, you sent one back. Then they sent two, you sent three. This went on, with affection growing.

But one day, you didn’t get any hearts from them, they held back. So, you tried to start a conversation, maybe during work, sending a few hearts like three, five, ten. What happened next? Maybe they read your message and didn’t reply, or sent just one heart, or even a sad face.

All those hearts you used to send didn’t seem important anymore because the narcissist had you.

You started the conversation because that’s what normal people do. You played their affection game, which they set up on purpose, only to hold it back later. Now your whole day feels ruined because they didn’t talk to you like they used to.

II. Manipulative Communication, How Narcissists Control Through Interaction

Now, let’s talk about the rest of that day. When you got home, what happened? You’d say, “Hey, I sent you all those messages, did you see them? What’s up?” Did they see them? Yes. Did they reply? No. Was it on purpose? Probably.

What were they doing at that time? I can’t say for sure, but what I can say is they were disrespecting you and pretending to care with fake affection, fake love, fake empathy, fake concern.

They were holding all of that back.

Later, when you saw them after opening the front door, you’d ask, “Hey, about those texts, why didn’t you respond?” And they’d say, “Oh, I was busy. I saw them, but I was busy with paperwork, my phone died, or someone called.” They’d make excuses like that, leaving you confused, wondering, “What’s happening? We’re together, why act like this?”

If you questioned them further, they’d turn it around on you “Why are you so needy? What’s your problem? Oh here we go again. You’re the only one who has issues.”

This is exactly what I was explaining earlier, they were disrespecting you.

You’d feel bewildered, shocked, not understanding what was going on. But you were in their fog and you didn’t realize what you were dealing with. The narcissist knew exactly how to manipulate and hide their fake behavior from you since the start of the relationship.

The Cycle of Manipulation, How Narcissists Create Dependency

In the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist moves quickly and secretly. They gather information about you to see if you’ll be a good source of attention. Once they know you’re attached to them, they can’t attach to you.

The narcissist doesn’t care about forming a real bond, they want to trap you in a relationship where you depend on them while they stay emotionally distant.

Once they achieve this, they slowly start withdrawing, holding back what they used to give freely, making you pursue them.

As you get more involved, everything changes. Before you met the narcissist, you were probably stable and hadn’t met anyone like them. When past relationships ended, you moved on without much difficulty.

But meeting the narcissist turned your life upside down.

You went from a normal or even happy life to a roller coaster of emotions with them. They lifted you up with highs and dropped you into lows a cycle of extreme emotions.

Through this manipulation, they got you hooked, making you rely on them for validation, communication, and happiness, often putting their needs before yours.

Hidden Lies, How Narcissists Juggle Multiple Relationships

The narcissist understood this because they didn’t just trap you, they had multiple people lined up at the same time. That’s why they’re always on their phone, finding other people to pay attention to or preparing backups for when you’re not around.

There’s a lot to unpack here, but the main idea is that the narcissist hid a lot from you during your relationship.

You were deeply involved and deceived, maybe by love or the image they portrayed, only to discover they were empty inside. When you’re blinded like that, you don’t see clearly, exactly as the narcissist wants.

Once they had you stuck in that painful bond, they didn’t have to do much to keep you there.

They did most of their manipulation early on in the relationship, using fake love, false empathy, and even a fake engagement or marriage to keep you hooked.

Engagement or Marriage as a Facade, How Narcissists Control Through Relationships

Your engagement or marriage meant a lot to you, but for the narcissist, it was just a facade. They used it to appear stable and respectable to others while using it as a cover for their abusive behavior in private.

This allowed them to control you the way they wanted.

For most people, understanding this is hard because they haven’t been through such experiences and hopefully never will. Most people aren’t narcissists or empaths, the range from narcissists to empaths covers a wide spectrum.

But think about the educated empath, someone who understands empathy deeply and has grown from their experiences. Maybe that’s you now, an educated empath.

You’ve always had strong empathy, and after surviving a narcissistic relationship, you’ve become more aware and selective about where you direct your empathy.

Manipulative Tactics, What Narcissists Desire and Avoid

Let’s break down what the narcissist wants and avoids. They want to trap you, make you believe their fake persona, and keep you close as long as you’re useful to them.

They try to stop you from breaking free from the toxic bond, going no contact, or blocking their manipulative friends.

They also try to stop you from understanding your true worth and finding your purpose.

Throughout the relationship, the narcissist sees it as a game of manipulation. They switch between showing fake love and then suddenly withdrawing it, a rollercoaster of feelings that leaves you feeling confused and hurt.

I’m sharing these thoughts to help you understand. If this resonates with you, leave a comment below. Many people can’t understand this because they haven’t experienced it.

Some have been through similar situations but didn’t realize they were in a harmful relationship. Instead, they blamed themselves or thought their partner was going through a tough time. But the truth is, narcissism affects many lives worldwide as a significant issue.

Learning Boundaries, Recognizing Narcissistic Deception

You need to set boundaries, protect yourself, and grow into an empath who understands. It’s vital to learn to confidently say “NO” which is a powerful word. Let’s revisit what I mentioned earlier, the narcissist kept a lot hidden in the relationship.

They didn’t share their past relationships with you, often portraying themselves as victims of abuse or failed relationships.

They might have been engaged or married multiple times, blaming their ex-partners for everything that went wrong.

These signs are clear to us now, but we didn’t recognize them then. When the narcissist blamed their exes for everything, we believed them because we didn’t understand narcissism back then.

We thought this person, who turned out to be a narcissist, genuinely cared about us.

They seemed kind, loving, stable, and healthy because they wore a convincing mask. But that wasn’t true, they concealed their true selves the entire time. It was only when cracks in their facade began to show that we started to see the truth.

When you’re in love or deeply committed to such relationships, you often overlook red flags and dismiss your instincts.

Then one day, the mask completely falls off, and reality hits hard.

Perhaps you were discarded, and that’s when you realized the narcissist had been hiding a lot from you.

It didn’t become clear right away, it took time as you healed and reflected on what happened. You eventually realized you never really knew this person, they were using you. Leaving you hurt and confused, that’s how they operate.

Money Manipulation, How Narcissists Hide and Misuse Finances

Another thing narcissists hide is money. They often stash cash secretly while claiming they’re short on funds. Why? Because money is usually a top priority for them, sometimes even the most important.

They’re obsessed with their public image and keeping up appearances.

They manipulate finances by concealing their true financial situation and may exploit you financially. For example, if you were engaged or married to a narcissist, you might have ended up paying most of the bills like mortgage, tuition, groceries, cars, and more.

This happens a lot. The narcissist might have their own job or side income but pretend to be broke, all the while keeping a secret bank account you don’t know about.

Why did you always end up paying? Why did they claim to be broke when you knew otherwise? They’d say things like, “I don’t have money now, but next month will be different” or blame a failing business.

In reality, they were saving money for when the relationship ended something they did right in front of you, taking advantage of your willingness to handle financial responsibilities rather than confront their excuses.

Or, maybe the narcissist was the one with lots of money from a job, inheritance, or other sources.

In that case, they probably controlled all access to that money. They might give gifts only to take them back or use gifts to manipulate you.

Initially, they promised to support you and let you live a certain way, but then they held back money and controlled how it was spent. This change in financial control is part of their way of controlling and manipulating others.

Wrap it up

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s hard to see what’s happening. You weren’t taught about this before, you couldn’t understand how someone could say one thing and do the opposite.

More importantly, it’s shocking to realize someone could watch you suffer and feel joy from it because they control what you can and cannot do.

Narcissists take pleasure in your pain and gain satisfaction from seeing you fail.

They are empty and shallow individuals.

If you realize you’re in a narcissistic relationship, it’s crucial to go no contact and block them. If that’s not possible, use the grey rock method, become dull and uninteresting, stay off their radar.

Don’t share your whereabouts, plans, or any details about your life.

Narcissists won’t change, they only get worse. They want someone to abuse in various ways and to keep under their control. Hopefully, that person is no longer you.

Know that the narcissist kept many things from you during the relationship. They hid parts of their past and made up unbelievable stories.

They have a vivid imagination and twist reality to suit their narrative.

As they age, these stories become more real to them because they truly believe in their own fabrications. This is Ryan. Remember, you are not alone. The narcissist withheld a lot from you and continues to withhold from others.

Consider the smear campaign, how they spread lies about you.

If you were discarded or endured their smear campaign, know they were hiding the truth. The narcissist controls the narrative, while you thought you were in a stable, loving relationship. That’s the smear campaign, hiding the truth.

I hope you found my article informative and helpful.

Please let me know what you think, God bless you, Love you all, and take care!

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