When you were in that relationship with the narcissist, you didn’t know what they wanted or about narcissism beforehand. So, you didn’t understand what you were dealing with, whether it was a narcissistic family, spouse, coworker, colleague, neighbor, friend, or anyone who might have been a narcissist.

The narcissist knew you better than you knew yourself. They are skilled manipulators who aim to exploit others for their own gain. Initially, they wanted to start a relationship with you, presenting themselves as kind, loving, stable, and healthy.

They befriended you moving from friendship to possibly romance or staying as friends. The main thing is, they got very close to you and then learned everything about you like your dreams, goals, past, present, and future.

They blended into your life, copying your interests and activities. They might have read your books or watched videos you liked to appear more similar to you.

In the beginning, they gathered details about you like your family, relationships, and education. They stored this information to use against you later.

Their goal was to gather intelligence on your life, understanding what motivates you. If you tend to please others or are empathetic, you probably shared a lot with them. You might have been eager to confide in someone who seemed to show empathy, affection, care, or even love though it was all fake. As a result, you shared more than you should have.

Recovery, Steps Towards Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

The narcissist often painted a bleak picture of their past, claiming they came from a broken family, had a tough upbringing, lacked money, or struggled in relationships. But anything they told you about their history should be doubted.

We now know narcissists lie, manipulate, and harm others without remorse.

That’s why it’s crucial to heal from a toxic narcissistic relationship. In almost every article I write, I strongly recommend cutting off contact like blocking, deleting, and removing them and anyone connected to them, including their supporters.

If you can’t do this immediately, consider the Grey Rock method: be uninteresting, avoid sharing too much, and keep your plans to yourself, especially if you’re planning to leave.

Remember, where you are now won’t be where you are in months and years because you’re on a healing journey from the moment you start reading this article.

I hope you’re moving toward complete indifference, where you no longer care about the narcissist or anyone from that period of your life.

The narcissistic relationship has flipped your world upside down, taken you on an emotional roller coaster, and subjected you to manipulation and destruction. Now, you’re on the path to regaining peace and stability in your life.

The Narcissist’s Plan, Keeping You Trapped

But what did the narcissist really want from you? They wanted you to:

1. Let down your guard.
2. Provide them with a place to stay.
3. Pay for their life style.
4. Have children with them.
5. Raise those children together.
6. Move or start a business together.

Their main goal was to keep you stuck in a cycle of pain and feeling undervalued so you wouldn’t see their true colors, what they were doing to you, or break free from their control.

They aimed to keep you involved for as long as possible.

While you showed them love, they took it for granted and looked for other people to validate them, whether openly or behind your back, details that are less important now. What matters is that you’re out of that relationship and on the path to healing, or have already healed.

Back then, narcissists wanted you to support their lifestyle and goals.

They can’t love or empathize with others, preferring to manipulate people throughout their lives. You were once seen by the narcissist as their way to a better life, a person who could help them move up in the world. That’s how they saw you.

Entangled in the Narcissist’s Manipulative Tactics

The narcissist relied on you to show love, give excessively, and idolize them while believing in their false image. That’s why many describe the start of these relationships in our community as a whirlwind, unlike anything they’d experienced before, it was meant to surprise and confuse you.

When you got into that relationship with the narcissist, you hadn’t learned about narcissism beforehand.

You were probably vulnerable maybe recovering from another relationship, dealing with a recent loss, or going through a big change in your life. Perhaps you had just moved, started a new class, or joined a hobby group, making you more vulnerable.

The narcissist took advantage of this vulnerability to get close to you.

They became a part of your life, spending more and more time with you. Before long, you were together day and night for weeks, and soon you were caught up in a trauma bond. Your mind was constantly on the narcissist, and you felt a strong need to stay connected with them.

The Narcissist’s Pattern of Emotional Withdrawal

And what were they doing? Once they felt they had you under their control, they began to pull away. They became distant, took you for granted, stopped sending long messages, ignored your calls, and paid less attention to you.

At the start of these relationships, during the intense affection phase, everything happened fast, time flew by, and it felt like the excitement would never fade.

But now we know it not only ends, but it ends painfully.

Healing from a narcissistic relationship often means a sudden and hurtful breakup. Usually, it’s the partner, not the narcissist, who gets discarded, treated like a piece of paper thrown out on the road.

I’m not trying to upset you, but that’s the narcissist’s aim, to cause maximum harm to their partners or targets.

When you were in that relationship, you did everything to keep it going.

You were the one patching things up, putting out the fires the narcissist ignited, and enduring their bad behavior.

All your resources like your health, time, energy, money, empathy, social life, and even your family relationships were drained. Instead of growing closer to people, you ended up feeling more distant because you didn’t have the energy or time to invest in those relationships.

The Narcissist’s Multifaceted Agenda

You tried hard to keep that toxic relationship going. Meanwhile, the narcissist kept undermining it, creating problems in the relationship you were desperately trying to maintain. They didn’t want the relationship to succeed, their goal was to keep you trapped.

A narcissistic relationship is an exchange of energy.

The narcissist aimed to drain your positivity, love, and everything that makes you who you are. In return, they filled you with their toxicity like manipulation, verbal, mental, emotional, and sometimes even physical and financial abuse.

They wanted to switch roles with you: your suffering made them feel powerful, and your discomfort gave them pleasure. That’s why cutting off contact is crucial.

You need to distance yourself as much as possible from these individuals.

So, what did the narcissist really want from you? They wanted to see how long you would stay in the relationship. They wanted to have children with you or involve you deeply with their children, only to later manipulate the situation against you.

They aimed to isolate you from your children and prevent them from seeing their grandparents. They sought to exploit you financially, prolong legal battles over divorce, custody, or assets in court. They manipulated their own lawyers, judges, and anyone in your support network.

The Narcissist’s Predatory Cycle

The narcissist wears many masks. One of them is like a spoiled child feeling entitled, believing they’re better than others, and thinking rules don’t apply to them. They come and go in relationships as they please.

When they leave their goal is to hurt their partner as much as possible, that’s their plan.

What did they want from you? Anything and everything they could get.

They struck when you were vulnerable, when you showed love or happiness in the relationship. That’s when the abuse started, when they began to make you feel less important.

Once they felt they had you, maybe when you moved in together or confessed your love, they felt secure.

They’d think, “It only took me months this time. I’m improving.” They’d start ignoring you, slowly showing their true self while looking for new people to manipulate maybe on social media, at work, with a neighbor, or even your friends.

They kept you trapped, making you feel worthless, sometimes pretending to care to keep you hooked.

They drained everything from you like your time, energy, and more, while hiding their real intentions. They saw people as chances to exploit, especially kind-hearted empaths who they saw as easy targets.

By the way, if you’re an empath, you’re like a feast for a narcissist.

They see you as rare and precious prey. When they move on to new people, they often choose someone else toxic or lacking self-respect. True empaths are hard to find, and if you’re one, you know this situation all too well.

The Narcissist’s Calculated Tactics

All these things I’m talking about boil down to what the narcissist really wanted. They wanted to keep you hooked, to make you idolize them. They tested whether, even after knocking you down, you’d still give them another chance.

They wanted to see if you’d repeatedly shelter them, lend them money, pay their bills, raise their kids. They played mind games like texting, using emojis, making you wait, and measured how long you’d endure their abusive behavior.

This is their daily routine, present, and future a destructive cycle they know well.

They might act differently, pretending to be religious, quoting the holy books, and claiming therapy is changing them, but narcissists know exactly what they’re doing.

They conveniently forget things when it suits them.

Remember how conversations with them would escalate into chaos because they couldn’t handle a calm discussion? They’d bring up old grievances like not attending a religious service or forgetting to observe a religious practice to avoid responsibility, confuse you with nonsense, and make sure you couldn’t make your point.

These are all ways they manipulate.

Don’t doubt that narcissists understand their actions. They live and act like everyone else but use ignorance as a shield when it helps them. They gaslight, manipulate relationships, and spread rumors because underneath their mask, there’s only negativity. Narcissists need constant validation, they can’t control themselves without it.

The Narcissist’s Inner Turmoil

If you ever caught the narcissist, maybe in another room while living with them, you might hear them talking to themselves uncontrollably. Why do they do this? Because there’s no one around to control how they act.

They stumble over their words, often talking to themselves, thinking you didn’t hear.

But you did, and they know it. Yet, they’ll deny it, saying they were on the phone. Really? Because I heard you struggling with your inner thoughts, saying things you wouldn’t say if you knew I was listening.

The truth is, the narcissist knows what’s inside their troubled mind, a place of destruction, confusion, and manipulation. This is how they operate every day, they move at one speed: the speed of abuse.

They push down on that pedal as hard as they can.

That’s why if you haven’t cut off contact with the narcissist, I strongly advise you to do so. If you haven’t protected yourself completely by cutting off contact and blocking them, you’re at risk of them trying to pull you back in (known as a Hoover). You definitely don’t want that, and you should avoid it.

Understanding What did the Narcissist Really Want From You

When the narcissist checks to see if you’ve healed or are willing to talk, it’s important to stay closed off. Once you know who they really are, don’t communicate with them.

What did the narcissist really want from you? They wanted to keep you trapped and feel better by making you miserable.

They wanted you to pay for their life, provide a home, raise their kids, and give them your money, energy, health, and relationships.

They didn’t want you to be yourself, that’s what the narcissist wanted.

That’s why I suggest that once you understand this, you need to use tools to protect yourself. Remember, this wasn’t your fault.

You got caught in the narcissist’s trap because you didn’t know what narcissism was. The narcissist knew who you were from the start. But now that you’ve healed, you know who you are and can spot a narcissist from far away. The key is to be true to yourself, honest, and authentic.

Wrap it up

Realize that you didn’t want to be in a narcissistic relationship, but you didn’t see their true colors. You didn’t know some people don’t really care about your well-being, with narcissists being the worst.

You didn’t know some people actually try to ruin your life, and narcissists lead that group.

Now you know. You are the priority now, you come first. You won’t put up with bad behavior anymore because you’ve risen from the ashes like a Phoenix.

You’ve put yourself back together, dusted yourself off, and you’re healing or have healed.

This is your journey.

So, what did the narcissists want from you? They wanted anything they could take. They wanted to keep you trapped for as long as possible.

That’s why they drag out divorces and custody battles. They will try to pull you back and abuse you in any way they can unless you block them completely.

So everyone, that’s the article. This is Ryan, true change begins with a spark.

And as I said earlier in the article, keep in mind that where you are today is not where you will be in a few months or years. I mean this both physically and mentally.

If you’re healing, your clarity is returning, your health is improving, your finances are getting better, and your energy is coming back.

This happens when we heal and focus all our energy on ourselves to process the relationship and learn from the past.

Don’t predict the future, live in the present moment.

This is what we must do.

I hope you found my article informative and helpful.

Please let me know what you think, God bless you, Love you all, and take care!

Check out our publication about Narcissism if you want to learn more or join us to write: Me and Narcissism

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