Today’s topic is about When You See the Narcissist for Who They Really Are. Knowing the real person behind the mask, instead of who you hoped they were, is a key part of healing. During the relationship, you probably gave the narcissist many chances.

You didn’t trust your gut feelings, ignored the red flags, and saw a twisted version of reality. You were likely trapped in a bond with the narcissist, thinking they were perfect.

You ended up serving the narcissist again like doing unpaid favors, driving them around, or apologizing for them, losing your own identity in the process.

It was a strange and unsettling time, part of the abusive cycle where you were devalued.

In reality, the person you cared for was the one causing constant harm, day after day, week after week, month after month.

Since you weren’t aware of narcissism, you couldn’t recognize this harmful pattern. The narcissist counted on your lack of awareness, hoping you’d never see their true nature, never recover, and never find your true self again after the relationship.

The Narcissist’s Strategy of Manipulation and Exploitation

As you transformed into a different version of yourself, the narcissist envied and resented you, seeing you as a tool to satisfy their needs. They aimed to control you completely, treating you like a puppet.

They thrived as long as you endured their harmful behaviors like gaslighting, triangulation, silent treatment, stonewalling, rage outbursts, mirroring, projection, and more, all of which led to the final breakdown of the relationship.

During the devaluation phase, they methodically drained you of your resources.

This included your friends, reputation, health, social life, time, money, love, understanding, belongings, connections, hobbies, or anything that defined who you are. The narcissist’s goal was to take away everything that made you special, keeping you trapped in their manipulative world.

Rediscovering Yourself and Gaining Strength After Narcissistic Abuse

Just like everyone has a unique fingerprint that defines them, making each of us special, the narcissist had no interest in celebrating what makes you, you. Their goal was to erase your identity and replace it with their own, aiming to control every aspect of your life.

In every narcissistic relationship, control, manipulation, lies, and shattered connections dominate.

The narcissist remains the constant in these relationships, not you. Despite enduring several toxic relationships, what matters most now is that you’re part of this supportive community.

Here on medium, you’re learning, growing wiser, and discovering your strength through awareness, education, and empowerment.

You’ve come through tough situations that could have broken you, but they haven’t. That’s why you’re here today.

Consider yourself fortunate. Whether you’re winding down for bed, starting your day, traveling, relaxing, or sneaking a read during work (wink wink), know that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, embracing this moment.

Seeing the Deceptive Facade of Narcissistic Relationships

As I write this article and you read it, people around the world are entering narcissistic relationships without knowing what they’re getting into. They’re attracted by the charm, sweet words, and attention from the narcissist.

They’re captivated by their gestures and how they engage with others.

These individuals are unaware of the truth, deceived by the narcissist’s false image. You might have been in this situation once.

When you entered the relationship, you didn’t fully understand what was happening, and it nearly overwhelmed you.

You went through ups and downs, dealing with abuse and devastation, and feeling moments of deep sadness. It’s important to know that these experiences are serious.

In these relationships, laughter is rare.

Instead, you struggled to understand what was happening, trying to make sense of terms like gaslighting that were new to you at the time. You recognized something was wrong, but didn’t have the words to describe it.

Realizing the Truth About Narcissistic Deception

But now, you’re learning and understanding these definitions. In that past relationship, you were focused on fixing what seemed like a broken bond. You might wonder, “Ryan, why call it broken?” Here’s why.

From the moment you met the narcissist, that relationship was already damaged because they pretended to be someone they’re not.

They weren’t honest or real with you. They didn’t reveal their true self.

Imagine if they handed you a report saying, “Here’s who I am. Here’s what I’ve done in past relationships. Here’s how I’ll treat you, and after I’m done with you, or if you end things, here’s how I’ll treat others as I try to climb higher.”

In this example, as the narcissist, not in real life but for this article. I would aim to exploit unsuspecting people, especially those still tied to a trauma bond. That was once you and me, but it’s not me anymore.

The Harsh Realities of Exiting a Narcissistic Relationship

That’s why it’s crucial to see the narcissist for who they truly are, taking off those rose-colored glasses is essential if you’re leaving or planning to escape.

Unlike normal relationships where you can just meet for coffee and part ways, dealing with a narcissist is much more complicated.

Here are a few important things to keep in mind:

First, narcissists won’t give you closure. They won’t sit down with you, have a coffee, and explain themselves or what they did to you.

Second, they often leave a door open a crack, hoping to return later when you’re feeling better and hoping you haven’t figured out their narcissistic behavior. They want to come back to hurt you again and finish their cycle.

Thirdly, remember. Narcissists usually have other people lined up to give them attention and admiration. They manage multiple relationships using many phones, dating apps, and social media. These people could be nearby or far away — they’re always ready to switch between them.

Understanding How Narcissists Operate and Safeguarding Yourself

This is how narcissists operate: they thrive on creating instability, confusion, chaos, and manipulation in every part of their lives, including yours. They might target your children, stepchildren, immediate and extended family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, or anyone connected to your interests and communities.

Ever wondered what a smear campaign is? It’s when the narcissist spreads lies about you to drive a wedge between you and the people or things that matter to you.

They paint a false, negative image of who you are.

Now that you’ve broken free from the narcissistic fog by cutting off contact, blocking, deleting, and keeping your distance from them and their supporters, you’re protecting yourself.

Whether using Grey Rock method or other strategies, you’re shielding yourself from further harm. With your mind clearing up, you’re starting to recognize and understand the signs and patterns of narcissistic abuse.

Recognizing Narcissistic Manipulation Through Clarity

You’re starting to feel your energy, health, and finances improving. Reflecting on how you ended up in that relationship and how easily you were manipulated, you realize how fortunate you are to be free from it.

As you look back on the entire relationship from when you first met the narcissist to when it ended, you’ll see many red flags.

There were strange behaviors from the narcissist that didn’t seem concerning at the time because you didn’t understand what they meant.

Remember when you were put in awkward situations like at a restaurant, on a ride, or even at home?

You’d come home to find the narcissist too close to someone of your same gender, just a month after your wedding.

You’d ask, “Who is this?” and hear, “Oh, that’s my trainer. I forgot to mention them, but they’ve been helping me for years. Now that we’re married, I’ll start training again.” It left you confused, wondering what was really going on.

That’s Triangulation, the narcissist’s manipulation.

Now that you’ve taken off those rose-tinted glasses and see the narcissist and the world with a clear, strong perspective, and you can spot narcissistic behavior easily, whether it’s in someone you’re considering interacting with or not.

I. Finding Clarity and Moving On After Dealing with Narcissistic Relationships

Once you notice these things, two things happen: First, you can’t unsee them. And second, you dive into learning and exploring, with realizations hitting you left, right, and center.

You might think, “Oh, that’s why Christmas was so tense. That’s why I got just a mug for my birthday, while my ex had a lavish month-long celebration.”

These events were scattered throughout the relationship, but at the time, you didn’t realize the full picture because you were seeing a different side of the narcissist. Caught in that trauma bond, you didn’t know where you stood or how to break free.

As I often talk about, something eventually gave way.

It could have been weeks, months, years, or even decades later, but something changed. Either the narcissist discarded you, or you found the strength and wisdom to leave.

That’s when you truly moved on from the narcissist.

Many of the people whom I talk with have had to move away. Sometimes it’s just across town or to another city, state, or country. Other times, it’s halfway around the world. The goal is simple, to escape the narcissist’s influence. If not now, then when?

II. Finding Clarity and Moving On After Dealing with Narcissistic Relationships

Once you break free from the narcissist and no longer feel tied to them, you’ll find that you stop dwelling on them. Those bad dreams will fade away. You won’t worry about who they’re with now.

You won’t give them any more chances or make excuses for their behavior.

You won’t say, “It’s okay, I know you had a tough day at work.” just to avoid more hurt.

If you do mention a tough day at work, maybe because of a bad boss and they, the narcissist you talked to, will just say, “Get over it, everyone goes through tough times.”

Then they’ll give you the silent treatment from Friday until Tuesday, leaving you confused after all these years together, wondering why they won’t talk to you.

Here’s the truth: they’re treating you badly and taking you for granted. They already have someone else lined up, which is why they’re ignoring you. These are facts. Seeing who the narcissist truly is and facing that reality is the only way to move forward.

Avoiding Idealization and Confronting Narcissistic Reality

It’s important not to idolize, daydream about, romanticize, or idealize narcissists. These behaviors are all part of healing from a narcissistic relationship. When you put someone on a pedestal in a relationship, it creates an unfair situation.

It’s not healthy because it gives the other person an advantage.

Narcissists are especially aware when they’re being idolized. They use this to manipulate and hurt you for putting them above yourself.

Even if you don’t treat them as special, they’ll still mistreat you because that’s who they are and yes, they won’t change.

They twist conversations, blame others, and get into arguments. Trying to have a reasonable talk with a narcissist often starts calmly but quickly turns into chaos, with shouting matches over something trivial from years ago.

Recognizing Narcissistic Exploitation and Prioritizing Self-Worth

This is how narcissists work. They need someone to take their hits, endure their bad behavior, and always adapt, and that someone used to be you and me. But not anymore.

Now, you know that you are the most important person in your life.

You come first, second, and third. There’s no space anymore to idolize anyone. That’s why we have to protect ourselves now. We can’t see the narcissist the way we did when we were with them, it’s really tough, to put it mildly.

When you’re in a relationship, whether loving them or being in love with them, it doesn’t matter.

That person simply doesn’t care about you. Not only do they lack care, but they also want to hurt you because they know how much you care about them.

Really understand this deeply, that’s what narcissists do at their core. They treat everyone the same way: their children, spouses, friends, coworkers, and parents, or anyone they can get away with.

Narcissists only go after people they think are valuable, and that was you.

It was me too. By valuable, I mean they see empathy, resources, people-pleasing traits (which you’ve moved on from), or access to luxuries like beach houses, clubs, and yachts.

If you’re just an ordinary person without something special to offer, they won’t even notice you. They’ll say, “Yeah, do whatever, you’re not important to me. I’m aiming for bigger targets.” That’s how they approached you then, and that’s what they’re still doing now.

Taking Control by Cutting Off Narcissistic Influence

Seeing the narcissist clearly means if you haven’t stopped talking to them, I strongly suggest you do so. If that’s not possible, try Grey Rock technique, be boring, disappear from their attention.

Here’s another truth: The narcissist is weak in this situation.

You are strong. You don’t need to control others. You don’t play games, lie, cheat, steal, or spread lies about others.

All those things the narcissist did to you were unfamiliar because they aren’t part of your healthy, good life. Why would you want bad things in your life? You wouldn’t.

That’s why the narcissist came into your life pretending to be someone they’re not and they were pretending to be good when they were actually bad, and that’s still what they’re doing now.

Seeing them for who they really are and understanding that the relationship wasn’t what you thought it was is the key.

It’s about accepting that you had to go through that relationship to learn lessons for life.

Stop trying to guess the future, thinking about what the narcissist is doing, looking at their social media, driving past their house, or asking others about them won’t help. It’ll only keep you stuck, exactly where the narcissist wants you to be.

Wrap it up

Living in the present moment is important. Today, on June 13th, 2024, it’s crucial to focus on what’s happening right now. Take things slowly, see people as they truly are, trust your instincts, and recognize red flags.

Don’t accept mistreatment from anyone, that’s the way forward.

Preserve your energy, take care of yourself, and understand that life is your journey. It’s meant for you to enjoy, celebrate, and grow.

You have the freedom to shape your time without being tied to narcissistic relationships.

That’s all for now. Writing to you from the peaceful heart, this is Ryan. Remember, you’re never alone.

It’s important to recognize that understanding the true nature of a narcissist compared to the image they portray takes time. It’s a gradual process, but once you do, you’ll realize it was all a facade, a fragile mask they used to manipulate you.

Many of us in the community have experienced this to varying degrees.

Now, we’ve set boundaries, stopped seeking approval, and confidently say no, the most empowering word. Saying no to others means saying yes to yourself.

This path opens doors to abundance, possibility, and opportunities, free from any narcissistic influence. I appreciate each of you.

I hope you found my article informative and helpful.

Please let me know what you think, God bless you, Love you all, and take care!

Check out our publication about Narcissism if you want to learn more or join us to write: Me and Narcissism

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