As an empath, you may find that you keep attracting narcissists and ending up in the same kinds of relationships. I want to be clear — this isn’t because empaths are foolish or easily tricked, despite what a popular article might say.
That’s not completely true. But there are certain things about how narcissists and empaths think that make it hard for them to separate. Narcissists are really good at tricking people, especially empaths.
Empaths usually see the good in others and give them second chances, which narcissists take advantage of.
In the beginning of a relationship, narcissists can seem perfect, meeting all your expectations.
They’ve practiced being charming and attentive for a long time. They’re very good at making you believe they’re sincere. This makes it really hard to break away from them.
The narcissist is really good at making a great impression at the start of any relationship, like at work or in the community. This happens to everyone. But empaths might keep giving the narcissist more chances because of something called consensus bias, which I’ll explain soon.
Some people argue about what an empath really is, but basically, I see it as someone who’s really good at understanding others’ feelings.
They might even feel those feelings physically, like they have emotional tentacles reaching out to everyone around them.
Empaths are usually the ones others go to when they need to talk about their problems, and they might feel like it’s their job to make everyone feel better.
Now, let’s talk about codependency, which is a big deal here. But if empaths learn to set boundaries, they can avoid being codependent.
When you set clear boundaries, you don’t feel like you have to handle other people’s feelings all the time.
But if you haven’t set boundaries, empaths can easily end up feeling responsible for others’ happiness. This can make them get stuck in relationships with narcissists. I’ll explain four reasons why this happens.
The narcissist is good at using your empathy. They watch how kind and caring you are to them and others as they get to know you. Even though they don’t truly feel empathy, they know how to use it to get what they want.
They do things to make you feel a certain way until you realize it. And they do this with everyone they meet.
Imagine you’re just starting a relationship, everything feels perfect, like a dream come true. You’re with a girl, let’s say she’s a female narcissist, and you’re a guy.
We’re sticking to the usual gender roles here just for the example. She seems amazing, like the ideal partner. She meets all the criteria that would make your parents happy and she makes you feel really good about yourself.
You might even think she understands you better than anyone else ever has. She might compliment you on how caring you are and how difficult it can be. You might feel a strong connection with her.
Honestly, most of us don’t notice this at first. I just want to say that even smart people can be tricked by someone who lies convincingly, so don’t blame yourself if you fall for it.
But here’s the deal, the first arguments in a relationship can show signs of narcissism. If you’re too caring and forgiving, you might not see these red flags early on.
Imagine you’re with a fantastic girl you’ve been dating. Then, one evening, about a month or two into the relationship, you go out for dinner. Suddenly, she’s all over the waiter, who’s really attractive and dressed simply.
You start feeling uneasy about how much attention she’s giving him, and maybe even how he’s responding.
He has this interesting tattoo, and she reaches out to touch it, asking about it. You’re surprised and uncomfortable. Despite her previous behavior, she’s acting fine during dinner, and you hadn’t seen any signs of this before.
You tell her you felt uncomfortable, but she brushes it off, saying, “Why are you so insecure? You’re handsome. I love you.
I’m not into him, but you shouldn’t be insecure. And I hope you’re not controlling like my ex.” She doesn’t acknowledge why you might feel uneasy and doesn’t care about your feelings.
She didn’t care about how you felt or when you tried to talk about it, she didn’t seem to care either.
But let’s face it, you felt insecure, which is understandable. When she says you’re too insecure, you might start to believe it. You admit you felt insecure, then she reassures you, and you just go along with it.
It can be hard to spot these signs at first. But a big thing to watch for is if the person acknowledges your feelings. Do they understand why you feel a certain way, even if they don’t agree?
If they keep brushing off your feelings early on, it could cause problems later.
So, if they’re not taking your feelings seriously from the beginning, that’s a red flag.
Additionally, if you had a narcissistic parent or a family member who consistently blamed you for conflicts, you might adopt that mindset automatically.
This leads to the second reason for the clash between empaths and narcissists. Many empaths I’ve encountered with grew up in troubled homes where they took on the role of caretaker.
While not universal, they often found themselves trying to understand everyone’s feelings and solve problems.
Whether it meant cheering up mom, calming down dad, or maintaining family harmony, they felt responsible for handling others’ emotions.
The “emotional tentacles” I mentioned earlier develop in children as a way to survive. It’s a natural instinct.
If you were raised strictly following that family role, breaking away from it will be hard until you work at it.
This work can be done and is helpful, but it’s important to understand why this role developed and how it affects you today. Without understanding these things, making changes will be tough.
Now, let’s talk about the third point, which connects to what I said before. We often repeat behaviors until we grasp them. Our emotional beliefs, formed mostly in early childhood, shape how we see the world and our place in it.
Our emotional patterns are deep-rooted in the brain’s emotional center, what we used to call the subconscious.
They strongly affect how we react to things. Most of our reactions come from this part of us, leading us to act in ways that feel familiar. This emotional side works separately from our logical thinking.
Later on, we might question why we keep falling into the same relationship traps. This shows how important it is to dig deep and work on understanding our emotions better.
Sometimes, when I chatted with close friends, I’d bring up how you can enter a room full of strangers and find yourself drawn to someone whose childhood was similar to yours.
It’s like gears in a clock syncing seamlessly or musical notes harmonizing effortlessly.
Even though you don’t know each other, you feel a connection. It’s fascinating how people instinctively find others who resemble important figures from their past. And these familiar patterns often repeat in relationships.
Even if neither person has a personality disorder, this isn’t just about empaths and narcissists — it’s something everyone goes through. If you’re in a relationship with someone willing to work on their issues, addressing these patterns together can be healing.
But often, we want to rewrite the story of our childhoods with a happier ending.
For example, if we had a narcissistic parent and end up with a similar partner, we hope they’ll change for the better. We wish our parent had changed, and we hope this new person will too.
Again, this isn’t about using your logical brain. It’s still important, but it’s a different way of thinking.
Now, onto the fourth reason for feeling stuck. It’s something everyone deals with, it’s called the False Consensus Effect, a cognitive bias we all have. Extensively studied and proven, it means we tend to believe others think like us.
For example, if we’d laugh loudly when something funny happens, we assume others would too.
Similarly, if we prefer tea over coffee because of its taste, and see someone else doing the same, we think it’s because of the taste as well.
This is something researchers have looked into a lot, and there’s plenty of evidence about it. It’s a common mistake our brains make because it doesn’t always match reality.
But when you’re an empath, you tend to think others feel and act like you do.
So, when they react strangely, like getting mad for no reason, you start to doubt yourself. You might wonder if there’s another explanation or if you simply misunderstood. You might even question if you’re insecure or too controlling, especially if people have said so in the past.
As an empath, you naturally trust people, but it’s hard to understand how someone can use manipulation instead of empathy. People with narcissistic personality disorder often manipulate others.
It’s important to notice and think about their actions, even if they’re different from yours.
It takes time to realize that not everyone is as kind-hearted as you. Even if you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist before, it’s easy to get swept up in love and overlook red flags. So, be kind to yourself and remember to consider these things.
Another reason why we get stuck in relationships with narcissists is because of inconsistent rewards.
Humans, just like animals, are attracted to things that aren’t always the same. For example, in a study with dogs, one group always got treats when they pressed a lever. Another group got treats at first, but then they stopped. The third group got treats randomly.
Dogs that always got treats from pressing the lever would do it for a while, then lose interest and stop.
If they used to get treats but then stopped, they’d figure out the treats had stopped and also stop pressing the lever. But if the treats came inconsistently, they’d keep pressing the lever.
This is similar to why people get hooked on slot machines.
People with narcissistic personality disorder can act inconsistently. For example, they might flirt with you one minute, then act rude, but switch back to being affectionate later. This inconsistency is what often keeps us stuck in such relationships.
You can stop the cycle of getting into relationships with narcissists. I truly believe the advice I’ve given can help. By paying attention to it, you can boost your confidence, understand yourself better, set healthy boundaries, and learn about good communication. It’s really helpful.
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